tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70804312014530586062023-06-20T20:58:21.273-07:00Chalamti: I have dreamt.Discourses From the Life of a Gay Orthodox JewBenjy Lhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/18199119640511269953noreply@blogger.comBlogger42125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-61504294655623538172013-12-21T17:24:00.001-08:002013-12-21T17:24:50.773-08:00All this happened!http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuly-yanklowitz/orthodox-rabbi-gay-marriage_b_4452154.html<br />
A modern orthodox rabbi "comes out" in support of gay rights.<br />
<br />
Gay marriage becomes a possibility in Utah<br />
http://www.cnn.com/2013/12/20/justice/utah-same-sex-marriage-ruling/<br />
<br />
and in New Mexico<br />
http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/12/19/21971624-new-mexico-legalizes-same-sex-marriage?lite Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-58931134345327941172013-11-11T13:45:00.002-08:002013-11-11T13:45:42.620-08:00The MothGreat clip from The Moth.<br />
<br />
http://themoth.org/posts/stories/faith-in-love-between-the-lines<br />
<br />
"The G-d that we believe in can be present in a gay relationship just as much as He can be present in a straight relationship."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-31720861196744849442013-10-13T19:25:00.000-07:002013-10-13T19:25:32.214-07:00That dreamHave you ever had one of those mornings where, while waking up, you desperately try to cling to those last few minutes of sleep and those final moments of your dream because it was so . . . majestic?<br />
<br />
This morning I did not want to get out of bed. The golden autumn sun was streaming through my window and all I wanted was another opportunity to experience the dream that, by my reckoning, had not yet finished. It wasn't a dream of wealth, luxury, or great adventures; it was a dream of friendship and love. The scene calling me back to slumber was simple. In it, I was surrounded by my friends and my husband was heading out for the day. He leaned over and gave me a peck on the cheek, gracing me with love as he headed out the door. That was it, that was the dream. I thought I would write about it because that same dream--perhaps not in the actual visual, but in the underlying concept--is what prompted me to name this blog. I do not have grandiose dreams for myself and I have no desire to thrust my personal life into the public sphere. All I want for myself and my friends is to experience the joy of a love untainted by social bigotry. That's my dream, and it is the one I will cling to until it is realized. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-63422300650321198182013-09-08T19:02:00.000-07:002013-10-03T20:13:29.335-07:00Last Year's MazalSuzanne Curchod, the 18th Century Parisian salonist, is attributed with having said that "fortune does not change men, it unmasks them."<br />
<br />
Had you asked me a year ago where I would be today or what changes I would undergo in the past year, never in a million years would I have predicted this future. The past twelve months have been a roller coaster. Each unexpected turn was followed with an equally unanticipated drop. I learned to follow the flow of life, to stop attempting to control my fate...to roll with the punches.<br />
<br />
On numerous occasions over the past few months, I began writing a new post, only to discard the draft as inadequate. I found myself unable to relay my emotional state and my experience--often because I was not sure exactly what those were.<br />
<br />
There were a few months during which I lost touch with G-d. I was facing a number of personal hardships--a broken heart and dashed dreams--and felt that my life was out of control. It all began when I met the man of my dreams. On paper, he was everything I could ever want and, in short time, I realized that he was both the man of my dreams and completely toxic for me. Immediately thereafter I tried to explain my religious, personal, and political hopes and desires as a gay Orthodox Jew [to my parents]. Though willing to tolerate me and hopeful that I would witness those dreams coming to fruition, they could not bring themselves to try and see the world through my eyes or care about the things I prioritize. To top it all off, I got rejected from my dream job. The combination of these three events in such a short period of time knocked me off my path...I was devastated and felt abandoned by G-d. Try as I might, I could not connect to G-d in the way I used to. Every "trick" I previously used to find spiritual comfort ended in failure. Prayer, meditation, etc...they all left me feeling stopped up-like I was suffering from a religious form of writers' block.<br />
<br />
Finally, after months of desperation, I realized that I had begun traveling on a different path; I began approaching G-d from a new vantage-point and that I needed to find new ways to express this new relationship. I also realized that I would need to relax into this relationship and let time guide me and my spiritual expression.<br />
<br />
I'm glad to be done with last year's fortune. Last year was incredibly difficult and I'm still picking up the pieces. I'm grateful that I had the chance to experience such a challenging period--I'm certainly stronger for it--But I hope this coming year is calmer and easier. <br />
<br />
Minor edit in brackets, October 3rd, 2013.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-8563272641500842142013-06-29T19:24:00.000-07:002013-06-29T19:44:47.725-07:00Five people who made me understand my faith.As I'm sure you're all well aware, last week five members of the United States Supreme Court found that the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) was unconstitutional. Five of the justices, a simple majority of the court, ruled that the federal government may not discriminate against marriages recognized by individual states. Wow. A huge victory for the gay rights moment. <br />
On Wednesday afternoon, less than ten hours after the ruling was announced, I found myself in New York's Greenwich Village, celebrating at a rally in front of the famous Stonewall Inn. Despite the hot weather, I felt chills as it dawned on me that the federal government would no longer be able to discriminate against me* and as I realized that I was actually taking part in history. I found myself beaming as the rabbi of a local community spoke about the role Jews played in this monumental achievement. For once these two aspects of my identity wove seamlessly together. These are the times that will come to fill the pages of history books as civil rights and equality become undeniable fact and not mere aspirations. <br />
The next day I sent a message to a friend of mine telling him that I appreciated spending that significant moment with him by my side. When he responded by expressing how he looked forward to sharing the story with his future children, chills again ran down my spine as I realized that the sentiment he expressed is precisely what we are supposed to feel daily (and especially at Pesach) as we recall the Exodus from Egypt. Though not bound in slavery like Moses and his peers, this decision certainly was an unshackling and I consider myself blessed to have partaken, if only as a bystander. I don't plan on having children of my own, but I too look forward to sharing the story with future generations. I thank G-d for providing the LGBT community with this gift and I'm incredibly glad that I can relate this experience with my faith.<br />
<br />
P.S. I'm sorry I haven't written in a long time. Life has kept me far busier than I would like and I find myself forced to place blogging on a side burner. This, however, I needed to express. <br />
<br />
*There's still a lot of areas, such as employment rights, that this did not rectify and it only protects those marriages recognized in states like New York and Massachusetts that specifically permit gay marriage; the decision doesn't affect states like Texas or North Dakota where marriage is still limited to one man and one woman. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-78854282133081754192013-02-13T12:43:00.003-08:002013-02-13T12:43:39.347-08:00Attention Parents and Family Members<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="color: black;">Though I'm super busy and don't have time to write, other people are very active. For those of you who are parents or other family members of LGBT Jews, be sure to attend the event listed in the flyer below.</span><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-uK3Q18yd4sc/URv6lT_z4DI/AAAAAAAAAAY/4dZiEL58gFM/s320/eshel+parents.jpg" width="248" /></div>
<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-30272577102383146422012-11-23T06:06:00.002-08:002012-11-23T06:06:27.772-08:00Forwarded<i>The post below first appeared in Tribe Magazine on Nov. 22, 2012. I am neither the author nor do I know his identity.</i> <br />
<br />
Growing Up Gay in an Orthodox World: My Final Game of Tag <br />
http://hilleltribe.com/2012/11/22/growing-up-gay-in-an-orthodox-world-my-final-game-of-tag/<br />
<br />
When I was in the sixth grade, I would
count the minutes every morning until recess. I was pretty athletic,
though I wasn’t into most organized sports. But I loved playing tag. It
was simple: all you had to do was be faster than the slowest runner. If
you could outrun the weakest player you wouldn’t lose, and if you didn’t
lose you won. But I never really felt like a winner.
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I remember there was this one boy who
always wanted to play. Shlomo (this wasn’t his real name) was thin and
lanky, and not exactly popular. He was obsessed with Britney Spears, and
liked to sing and dance to pop songs. Most of the other kids in my
class didn’t like to play with him, but when they did they would make
sure to keep him tagged “it” for almost the entire game. They battered
him with insults, shouting at him and calling him “homo” and “faggot,”
and sometimes they even got violent. It was hard to tell who was really
chasing whom. At the time, I didn’t understand what it was about Shlomo
that made others so angry. I felt terrible about the way most of my
classmates were treating him, inside and outside the classroom. And yet I
did nothing.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Almost a decade later, I found myself in a
position similar to his, only the playground was bigger. At the end of
my freshman year of college, I came out to my parents. It was the
hardest thing I ever did in my life. At the time, there was nothing more
humiliating to me than admitting I was gay. So when my father asked me,
I panicked. I could not bring myself to utter those three letters, but I
thought that if I lied again I would only be dragging out the
inevitable. Then I realized that a few seconds had already gone by. I
was silently answering the question I had been debating with myself
every day since the fourth grade. There was no going back. I thought my
life was over.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
As it turned out, my parents were far
more understanding than I ever could have expected. But they could never
really understand my experience. They would never know what it was like
to believe as a child that at some point in my life the ones I loved
most would not want me anymore. That all my fears would be realized, and
all my dreams would be dashed.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
When I first arrived at yeshiva in Israel
two summers before I started college, I was optimistic. I thought that I
had been given a chance to fix myself. I thought that if I could just
stick it out and make myself into the person I wanted to be, everything
would be fine. But that’s not how things turned out. It seemed like
everywhere I turned my friends would be talking about girls. Girls they
knew, girls they saw in movies and on TV, girls they had been with, and
girls they wanted to get with. And every time I sat silently.
Eventually, people began to notice. They prodded me about whether I
liked this girl or that. Being a terrible liar, my answers were always
obviously forced. I fooled a few, but not everyone.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Then they started asking me whether I was
gay. I tried wiggling out of answering, and often found myself saying,
“If I were gay, I’d lie to you anyway.” Wasn’t I clever? But one time
there was this huge third-year who replied, “So you’re not gay? Good.
Because I’d kill a gay person if I had the chance.” He explained that
the Torah had told him to. That was my dorm counselor. He was considered
a <i>masmid.</i></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was always a good student, I followed
the rules, and I like to think I was a good friend. But at the time,
none of this seemed like enough for anyone. I had to be more than all
that. I had to be more than I could be. I don’t know whether I can fully
express in words what it is like to realize that no matter how hard you
try you can’t change. To be constantly worried that someone will
eventually figure you out. To be told, and to believe, that you are an
abomination. I can’t tell you how badly it hurt for me to learn that
perhaps the greatest <i>halachic</i> authority of recent times had written in eternal words that I was the way I was because I wanted to rebel against God.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
My sexuality is a drop of who I am, but
it’s a drop that paints the way I interact with the people in my life,
both guys and girls. It has helped determine so many of the decisions I
have made and so many of the conclusions about life I have drawn that I
can’t think of a single one unrelated, in some way or another, to my
being gay. My experiences dealing with bigotry from rabbis, neighbors,
and “friends” have helped mold me into the person I am today. If I
weren’t gay, I am sure I would be an entirely different person.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Still, being gay in the <i>frum</i>
community is difficult and has led me to reconsider my past beliefs and
my feelings toward my community. There are many, several of my rabbis
from <i>shul</i> and yeshiva included, who continue to propagate lies
about gay people being mentally ill, being sinful, being a source of
societal corruption, and even being the cause of recent natural
disasters. I have heard my own neighbors say that they would not marry
their children into a family with a gay member. Among my peers, it’s
been joke of the day for as long as I can remember to call anyone and
anything that is annoying, gay. But it just isn’t funny when you
consider that by law I could get fired in most states just for being
gay, regardless of how I lead my life. It isn’t funny when you learn
that forty percent of homeless youth in New York City are lesbian, gay,
bisexual, or transgender (LGBT), and that in parts of the world people
are still being hanged by their governments for being gay.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I’m a regular guy who wants the same
things in life that everyone else wants. I want to build a family, I
want job security, I want to be treated equally, and I want to be valued
not for whom I love but for how much I love. And I hope that by coming
out to my closest friends and family, and by telling a bit of my story
to you fellow friends, classmates, and Jews, I have begun to help turn
the tables. With every day I am more proud to tell people who I really
am. I am done running.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<strong><br /></strong></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-5518922976872109932012-11-06T12:08:00.001-08:002012-11-06T12:08:14.055-08:00Election Day: Religion, Politics, and Sexuality. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7080431201453058606" name="_CITRUS_ITALIC"></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Like shepherds
leading flocks, religious leaders attempt to regulate the practices of their
believers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is understandable that the
men and women herding the faithful would want their constituents to follow a
path of spiritual propriety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot
extend the same understanding to religious attempts to affect the secular
rights of adherents of other religions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Specifically in the context of Judaism, we believe that G-d bequeathed
the Torah solely to the Jewish people. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though our sages mention and discuss the <i>Sheva
Mitvot B’Nei Noach</i> – the Seven Noahide Laws that, we believe, all gentiles
must follow—never once are we commanded to meddle in political affairs or exert
rabbinic influence to sway non-Jews from violating either the Torah or the <i>Sheva
Mitvot B’Nei Noach</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">In the wake of
Hurricane Sandy, one Jewish man decided to blame the devastation on New York’s
recognition of same-sex marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=zB6MPcZ1Nn8">Audio
available here</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two aspects of this
rabbi’s statements are flawed at their core, one of which approaches
blasphemy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>First, he claims that “the
great flood in the time of Noach occurred<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>. . . was triggered by the recognition of same gender marriages.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The sages list a number of reasons why G-d
caused the biblical flood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While “sexual
immorality” often appears on this list, most agree this references bestiality
and not homosexuality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Setting this
point aside for the moment, this rabbi claimed that the heavy flooding in New
York City represented a localized version of the biblical flood because of New
York’s recognition of same-sex marriage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It appears that this man’s theological education lacks one of the
central precepts of Judaism: The inability for man to divine the will of G-d
without prophecy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless he claims to be
a prophet—and Orthodox Judaism believes that no prophets exist in the current
era—his claim lacks any validity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Certainly, we can see this disaster as a message from heaven to “clean
up our acts,” but to claim that a single lesson must be learned is
unsupportable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Addressing the substance
of the statement more narrowly, he appears to have forgotten that: a) Sandy
affected far more than just New York City.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The resulting devastation impacted many states and many Jews and
gentiles in those states; b) Same-sex marriage is legal all over New York
State, yet only one corner of the state suffered from the flooding; c) eight
other legal jurisdictions (five states, D.C., and two American Indian tribes)
allow same-sex marriage . . . and they were hardly touched by Sandy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Unfortunately,
he isn’t the only Jewish voice to try and inject religious conservatism into
secular politics this election year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A
friend recently drew my attention to the religious banter surrounding Question
6—the Maryland state referendum that could extend the right to marry to
same-sex couples—in Baltimore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I found <a href="http://www.jewishtimes.com/index.php/jewishtimes/news/33083/">this</a>
article informative.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Admittedly, I do
not view religious support for gay rights the exact same way I do those
opposing these rights.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think its
normal that I have a bias towards Jewish support for the LGBT community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But the issue is so much bigger: Should
Judaism allow pulpit figures to try and influence the votes of their
constituents?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though America’s founding
fathers relied on faith when they established our country, the nation has since
tried to stem the power of religion over politics and government.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With so much diversity, it would be unfair to
impose any one set of religious beliefs on the entire nation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Various factors socialize the way people
vote.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Upbringing, economic status,
racial interactions, religion . . . these are but a few of the subconscious
voter influences. Obviously, to silence these often subconscious voting cues would
be impossible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Peoples’ voting
preference will always be based on their religious upbringing—it serves as a
moral compass and guides people towards understandings of reality and their
surroundings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But when religious leaders
use the pulpit as a platform to direct the votes of their followers they commit
two cardinal wrongs: 1) they provide the false impression that religion,
whichever one<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>they affiliate with,
demands a specific vote from its followers; and 2) they<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>attempt to allow their interpretation of
religious doctrine to affect the political rights of millions of people<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>who subscribe to different ideologies.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Granted, there are times when, to <u>preserve</u>
religious rights, leaders should ask their followers to vote one way or
another.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That situation is different
from the one at hand because same-sex marriage does not diminish the political rights
of religions, it only broadens the rights of people who identify differently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I won’t tell you
who to vote for, I won’t tell you who I’m voting for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will recommend that, in voting, you exercise
independent thought and consider whether and how an issue affects you and the
other people in your state and country.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-80386947469543138872012-10-09T20:33:00.001-07:002012-10-10T20:00:01.916-07:00Around the table<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7080431201453058606" name="_CITRUS_ITALIC"></a><i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I met the gaze
of each the six men and women staring at me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I carefully considered what I would say next.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then, for what now seems like the
umpteenth time, I jumped off that proverbial cliff.</span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">A friend I hadn’t
seen since the summer invited me for <i>Simchat Torah</i> dinner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eager to see her, I accepted and spent the
days prior to the holiday looking forward to what promised to be an enjoyable
evening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Naturally, the large table of
slightly over a dozen young professionals split into two conversations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Immediately I hit it off with the people on
my end.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were all loud, opinionated, and
eager to poke fun at new acquaintances.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
perfect meal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By night’s end I, like
many of the others gathered, still hadn’t caught the names of those on the
other end of the table.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An icebreaker
ensued.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The prompt: sharing your high
school nickname.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was one of the last
people to share and seemed to disappoint the people gathered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I didn’t have a nickname.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I dropped out before I underwent that rite of
passage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Interests piqued, the people
closest to me with whom I’d been speaking the entire evening wanted to know why
I dropped out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t eager to get
into the struggles of my youth, my depression, and learning to come to terms
with my sexuality, so I tried to downplay any interest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The conversation restarted but soon the spotlight
once again fell upon me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>People really
wanted to know why I didn’t finish high school the normal way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess they sensed a story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If you’ve read
my blog consistently over the past two+ years you know that, though far from
closeted, I don’t believe in placing my private life and my sexuality on
display for the world to see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Perhaps
its rooted in <i>tznious</i>, perhaps I’m still afraid of having to deal with
bigots in otherwise docile settings, or perhaps I just don’t think its anyone’s
business but my own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe its all
three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Anyway, on this occasion I
decided to just go for it, again, and briefly cover all the bases that led to
my dropping out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Necessarily, this
focused on my sexuality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think people
were . . . shocked, fascinated, intrigued, compassionate, and sympathetic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then, when I finished the speedy version
of my life, the questions started.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>None
based on ill will, and none stupid, but still, this was not one of the topics
of conversation I considered upon entering the meal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Coming out is
always both annoying and terrifying.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
don’t know how people are going to react and, frankly, I find the experience
bothersome (after all, heterosexuals don’t need to announce their sexuality to
the world, why should I?).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So why did I
do it? Why did I give in to the peer pressure and share my story?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There was one major reason.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Over the past few months I noticed a shift in
the gay demographic within my community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Specifically, the more vocal and visible gay men moved elsewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though there are new members of the <i>kehilah</i>,
young blood so to speak, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>my limited interactions
with these men and women leave me doubtful that they would do a good job
expressing the needs facing the larger gay frum community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let me be clear, I do not want to fill anyone’s
shoes and take on a public role.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m content
with my privacy and don’t want to change that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But, and perhaps this is me being conceited, I think I will at times
have to be the local individual to vocalize those needs and work on causing
change on a slow but steady basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
guess I saw last night as the first of what will probably be too many question
and answer sessions on this topic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
just hope I’m up to the task and that I can accomplish it without infringing on
my privacy too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">*minor spelling edit, 10/10/12 </span></span></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-78959796045092822282012-09-09T20:35:00.001-07:002012-09-12T18:32:21.175-07:00Persevere. <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="http://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=7080431201453058606" name="_CITRUS_ITALIC"></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I
abstained from writing for the past few months because I could not find the
words to describe the emotions and thoughts running through my heart and head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think I finally possess the perspective
necessary to share.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Tuesday marks an
anniversary of sorts. For the American people this day will serve as a reminder
of our precarious position in the world as a force for good facing
incomprehensible evil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Personally,
September 11<sup>th</sup> has an entirely different meaning: it marks the day I
officially came out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This Tuesday marks my
7<sup>th</sup> coming out anniversary.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
approach this date differently each year. This year I find myself frustrated,
confused, uncertain, and downright scared. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the emotions that prevented me from
writing for the past quarter of a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">This turmoil resulted
from a series of compliments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few
people called me some synonym of courageous for speaking in public on the topic
of the LGBT in the greater Jewish community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Another few people remarked on my “unique” position in life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Though not a single one of these people
intended to do so, these comments coupled with a realization that many of my
frum colleagues have been diminishing their religious practice left me feeling
very alone and very lonely.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I will never not
be frum.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sounds like a bold
statement, but it’s not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You see, for me
being frum is not a choice, just like being gay is not a choice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Both are essential components of my self that
I cannot alter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Truthfully, if being
frum was a choice I would likely not choose to continue. I cannot fault the men
and women who leave the frum world because of the inherent conflict in being
gay and observant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I also feel as
if I spent the months butting my head against a wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For the longest time I couldn’t figure out
what that wall was.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>At first I thought
it represented that orthodox community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>But the slow and steady progress in the community – much of which occurs
far from the public eye – is amazing and heartwarming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I finally realized that my frustration ran
deeper.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My association with Judaism, the
root of my connection to this faith and community, rests in my parents’
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I only became strong because they taught me to
be so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am unchangeably frum because
they showed me many variations of this world and I learned that this one is the
right one for me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But my parents fail to
provide me with the support I need as I move forward with my life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">My dear father,
in his kindness and genius, fails to appreciate the emotional turmoil I often
encounter. For him, this should be a non-issue, I am who I am and there should
be no need for discussion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My mother . .
. I think she is still confused, scared, and ashamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the bedrock of my community not present
in the way I need it to be, it’s no wonder I feel frustrated with my
community.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This also brings up a pang of
jealousy, envy of the men I know whose parents adopted a rally cry of love,
compassion, and, as I perceive it, openness for their gay children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, I am aware that I have been blessed
because my parents’ reaction could have been far worse, but there is definite
room for growth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Juxtaposing this
with my single status has amplified all the angst because I haven’t felt the
intimacy that I would like to express all this in private.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also miss the love and affection of a man,
delicacies that I have not tasted for quite some time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have even begun considering whether I
should alter my rule against dating non-frum men, or at the very least open myself
up to formerly frum men. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">As you can see,
I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess recently.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I do want you to know that this hasn’t consumed me as much as this post
might make it appear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Attempting to
condense three months into one blog post<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>probably exaggerates some of my predicament.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My life beyond my sexuality, so professionally,
academically, and (non-romantic) socially, has seen many positives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Those are the factors in my life, friends and
challenges beyond my personal life, that allow me to persevere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I simply pray that G-d will grant me the ability
to understand what He has in store for me and when these moving pieces will
settle down.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Shana Tova,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Benjy L.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-9553385215149871572012-06-10T18:26:00.002-07:002012-06-10T18:26:42.412-07:00Pulpits Consumed in Flames.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<a href="" name="_CITRUS_ITALIC"></a><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We
gays confront bigotry on a daily basis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>We gays start new jobs with trepidation, unsure of how and when to come
out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We gays don’t hit on guys unless
certain that he “swings” the same way, because hitting on the wrong straight
guy can send you to the hospital. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No
matter how liberal our city, we gays retain some aspect of fear that the people
with whom we interact have fallen prey to the angry, hateful message propagated
by individuals who claim G-d as theirs and theirs alone.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">We gays suffer from
the same flawed, limited world view that judges and hates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We gays are no better than our adversaries.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">If you are
reading this blog you are probably aware that a cultural battle over the place
of gays in society rages in America.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>While I, and the majority of my gay peers and our allies, speak the
language of equality and advocate the removal of secular law from within the
tentacles of religion, the right leaning, conservative, Judeo-Christian caucus more
often than not labels us as sinners and condemns us to Hell.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Two groups of people waging a rhetorical war,
each adamantly believing in their cause and neither willing to budge an inch. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This conflict is steeped in hate that pollutes
both parties and detracts from the validity of both arguments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We frequently see this exemplified by those
on the religious side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Consider, by way
of example, the recent viral Youtube video depicting two young boys singing “ain’t
no homos gonna make it to heaven” in church while standing before a cheering
crowd of worshipers. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4LHw3KWS9A">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4LHw3KWS9A</a>).
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Watching it made me sick to my
stomach.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I am ashamed to say, we
gays do not always take the high road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Recently (not as recently as I’d like but I haven’t had time to write),
at a speech to a group of young adult journalist-wannabes, Dan Savage took a
few minutes to preach his message that young Americans should overcome the “bullshit”
of the Bible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao0k9qDsOvs">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao0k9qDsOvs</a>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you watch the video you will note that
dozens of attendees left the hall, offended by the hateful message Savage
spewed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing suggests that they left
because Dan Savage is gay and his presence offended them. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing in their actions connotes homophobia.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They responded to Savage’s theophobia--his
intolerance for the religious beliefs of others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I won’t go into the ways Savage
misrepresented both the Jewish and Christian understandings of the Bible. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sure many individuals better versed in the
intricacies of this subject have written extensively on the topic and I would
fail to do it justice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">I firmly believe
that fighting fire with fire, wielding a tongue barbed with intolerance because
someone attacked you with a comparable weapon, leaves no one uninjured and
results in absolutely no progress.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As
the saying goes, “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I understand both sides of this feud.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, at the end of the day being both
religious and gay means I stand with one foot in each camp.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>G-d, as I understand “Him”, loathes
hate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He created the emotion for the
rare occasion where nothing else would suffice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The one place I recall hate being condoned is with the relationship
between the Jews and Amalek.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pity.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Compassion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the tools
we should use to counsel people and make them understand our perspectives.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">To the faithful
believer who cannot fathom a world where homosexuality is morally acceptable,
don’t challenge me with fire and brimstone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Don’t claim a superior<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>connection
to a god neither of us has yet encountered.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Tell me about everything included in the Bible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Preach to me with love, embrace me as your
brother, and, if you must, pity me because you think I have gone astray
(thought I would never concede that final point).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">To my gay peers,
I understand the pain and anger felt when someone bashes you for being true to
yourself. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But be warned, you will never
succeed in changing their minds and winning support by digging your heels in
and responding with a bull-headed argument that religion, or that understanding
of religion, is out of vogue.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rather, paint
a fuller picture.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Use the colors of the
rainbow you so proudly display to prove that you are not limited by your
sexuality and that you are a complete person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It warms my heart to know that I am not alone in this belief
system.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(<a href="http://outoncampus.org/uk/misc/946/anti-gay-leader-invited-to-lesbian-family-dinner">http://outoncampus.org/uk/misc/946/anti-gay-leader-invited-to-lesbian-family-dinner</a>).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">Accept your disagreement
and fight in the courts to determine the future of the country, but don’t hate.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There’s no need.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You will accomplish nothing by adding more
strife and bitterness to the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormalCxSpMiddle" style="line-height: normal;">
<i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">For further
reading see</span></i><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt;">
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuley-boteach/dan-savage-savages-the-bible-on-homosexuality_b_1470791.html">http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuley-boteach/dan-savage-savages-the-bible-on-homosexuality_b_1470791.html</a>
.</span></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-18793921994453945592012-04-22T22:32:00.001-07:002012-04-23T06:11:24.479-07:00Personal Redemption?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’m writing this post a few weeks later than I intended, but
it remains relevant in the weeks closely following Pesach. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
On Pesach we recount the tale of the four sons: one wise,
one wicked, one simple, and one who does not know to ask. Writers often pay attention to the wicked son
because of his distinctive story. The Haggadic
author labels him “wicked” because he separates
himself from his parents nation, asking his father what the story of redemption
means to him rather than including himself in those affected by the exodus from Egypt. The Haggadah commands the father to rebuke this
son, for with his attitude the wicked son would not have merited redemption.
This year, during my family’s first Seder, this story struck a deep
cord. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As a teenager coming to terms with my sexuality, I often had
great difficulty relating to my religion and my family. Try as I might to present a positive attitude
and partake in all the sacraments and rites of Judaism, my inner turmoil
prevented me from embracing my faith.
And on one Pesach, at what I will forever remember as a low point in my life,
I was wicked. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My family was gathered at the Seder table, recounting the
legend of the redemption and conducting the Seder according to customs passed
down for generations. And I, I had
locked myself in my room, rejecting my heritage. To this day I cannot imagine the shame my
parents must have felt as extended family and close friends bore witness to my
absence. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But that was then and this is now. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This year, as I led portions of the Seder at my father’s
behest and fielded some of the questions posed by the same friends who were
present all those years ago, I realized that I had made a change from wicked to
wise. I now eagerly embrace my heritage,
my family, my sexuality, and my faith. Realizing
this, I smiled to myself and continued to partake in the Seder and the holiday
with a sense of pride and accomplishment.
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But still, over the next few days something seemed out of
place. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
For many years after accepting my sexuality I limited the
extent to which I came-out to ensure that my siblings’ Shidduchim would not be affected
by my sexuality. My parents did not ask
me to do this, but I felt it was appropriate.
Thankfully, the siblings I worried about have all since married and have
begun families of their own. But still,
outside of my personal circles of friends and my immediate family, I don’t
discuss my sexuality that frequently. I
realized, as I sat around the table with non-immediate relatives and family
friends I only see once or twice a year, that most of the people at the table
did not know that I am gay. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I haven’t yet brought a boyfriend home for the holidays and
I haven’t done anything to suggest that I am anything other than straight. Over Pesach I realized that many of the
people sitting at the table were probably working off the standard presumption
and assuming that I am straight. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I'm not generally an uncertain person, but I’m not sure what to think about that. Should what other people know, or don’t know,
about me effect my self-confidence? Does
this mean that I haven’t come as far as I thought I have? I’m certainly not closeted, I just don’t feel
the need to share my personal life with someone simply because they are
there. And, for the purposes of full
disclosure, there were some people I ran into over the holiday whom I don’t
want to know about my sexuality because they lean to the right and I’d rather
not rock the boat unnecessarily. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I’d love to hear your thoughts. </div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-27719922424107612182012-03-24T22:18:00.001-07:002012-03-25T07:01:01.869-07:00Watch. Learn.Occasionally, when I find myself without enough time to write a post, I post a poignant point.<br />
The emotionally depth expressed in <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/03/24/testimony-musical-it-gets_n_1376916.html?ref=gay-voices">this video</a> is magnificent.<br />
<br />
Edit: March 23rd, 10AM. IThis <a href="http://salsa.wiredforchange.com/o/1285/p/dia/action3/common/public/?action_KEY=2580">website</a> that seeks to gain communal support for LGBT Jews is also worth reviewing. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-26294105581034671732012-02-25T18:52:00.000-08:002012-02-25T18:52:42.304-08:00To Haters, with love.<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:AllowPNG/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:TrackMoves/> <w:TrackFormatting/> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:DoNotPromoteQF/> <w:LidThemeOther>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:LidThemeAsian>X-NONE</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:LidThemeComplexScript>HE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> <w:SplitPgBreakAndParaMark/> <w:EnableOpenTypeKerning/> <w:DontFlipMirrorIndents/> <w:OverrideTableStyleHps/> </w:Compatibility> <m:mathPr> <m:mathFont m:val="Cambria Math"/> <m:brkBin m:val="before"/> <m:brkBinSub m:val="--"/> <m:smallFrac m:val="off"/> <m:dispDef/> <m:lMargin m:val="0"/> <m:rMargin m:val="0"/> <m:defJc m:val="centerGroup"/> <m:wrapIndent m:val="1440"/> <m:intLim m:val="subSup"/> <m:naryLim m:val="undOvr"/> </m:mathPr></w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" DefUnhideWhenUsed="true"
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I encounter homophobia in writings, speeches etc. on a fairly frequent basis and, when I do, wonder how I should react.<span> </span>Obviously I disagree with the content of these statements, but what attitude should I take towards the authors behind them?<span> </span>Should I fight fire with fire and approach these individuals with a searing hatred to match their bigotry?<span> </span>Should I take the high road and ignore them, pitying their unfortunate closed mindedness?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I recently realized that, to answer this question, I must distinguish between the different types of homophobes: those who argue about the existence of<span> </span>homosexuality in an honest but misguided attempt to find G-d’s truth (<a href="http://torahdec.org/Signatures.aspx">example</a>) and those who loathe homosexuals because they lack any productive hobby (more on this later).<span> </span>The former I can respect, I appreciate their search for truth.<span> </span>For the latter, those misguided souls with nothing better to do than spread malice, I have no patience. <span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Those individuals who honestly seek a higher truth travel on a road we all must take at some point in our lives.<span> </span>In searching for a theological certainty, these rabbis—and their equivalent in other faiths—interpret the bible consistent with their religious training and leave little room for anything other than the explanation bestowed upon them.<span> </span>Challenging what one believes to be sacred is an immensely difficult task, especially when the challenging force comes from something other than your own conscious or experiences.<span> </span>I respect them men and women until the point where they descend into depths of hatred, vice a search for meaning.<span> </span>Note the difference between attempting to understand a religious tenet and wielding religion as a tool of bigotry.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">The Westboro Baptist Church remains the most public example of the latter category.<span> </span>Made famous for picketing the funerals of dead service-members with signs like <a href="http://www.godhatesfags.com/photos/TaylorGHFKS0212.jpg">these</a>, the congregants of this church have long since shed any valid claim to represent G-d and now subject themselves only to the ridicule and scorn of even very devout theologians.<span> </span>But I do not need to go so far from home to breach this unfortunate topic, such small minded intolerance is present even in the world of orthodox Judaism.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">For quite some time, a man deep in denial of homosexuality has subjected many members of JQY and gay Jewish bloggers such as myself to an endless, unsolicited barrage of e-mails meant to rebuke us for our sinful ways.<span> </span>He uses pseudonyms to mask his identity and has gone so far as to create e-mail addresses under the names of some of our more vocal group members.<span> </span>His unrelenting attempts to permeate our tight knit support group have left some shaken, but have strengthened others to decry his actions.<span> </span>Him I loathe, for him I silently wish nothing but ill will.<span> </span>No god would delegate a mission of hate and to claim as much disrespects His wisdom.<span> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-35414850608761628822012-01-21T19:17:00.000-08:002012-02-12T09:08:12.423-08:00Overlooked<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">With every movement there is an unspoken, unwritten history that tends to be forgotten. The gay rights movement—and specifically the movement for recognition within the Orthodox Jewish community—is no different. Over the past few years there has been an amazing amount of attention to gay and lesbian individual. We have been the subject of panel discussions, video documentaries, op-eds and rabbinical statements. And we have seen progress within the Modern Orthodox community. People know, even if they cannot understand, that it is difficult to be gay and religious. Some have even begun to press for recognition of gay relationships. The forgotten individuals in our stories are our parents. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Obviously, I cannot tell you about the struggles that a parent faces when they discover or are informed of their child’s sexuality because I have not lived on that side of the story. I imagine that some wish their child was heterosexual. Others, if faced with a child who shirks religion in favor of comfort with her sexual identity, may pray that their child find a place in the fold of religious observance. When I came out to my father he was accepting (I was shocked) but disappointed that I would never have the chance to raise a family as he did. My mother wished (wishes? I’m not sure) that I would one day wake up and realize my heterosexuality. They both love me for who I am, but I don’t think they expected or anticipated my homosexuality while raising me. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">It is not easy being gay, but it must be hard to know that your child is treated like a second class citizen and condemned by many in society. Little networking or support exists to unify and strengthen these parents in the challenges they face. In the past I’ve mentioned <i>Tmicha</i>, an e-mail list-serve that attempts to do exactly this. I’ve also linked to a blog the documents these struggles. But is this enough? While we protect and fight for our own recognition, we gays and lesbians must also ensure that our parents are shielded from the unfortunate small-mindedness that permeates our society. We must applaud those parents who accept and support us and we must understand those who currently unable to reach this enlightened level of being. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I am grateful for my parents and impressed by the positive energy I have seen emanate from some other parents I know.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-68870624418003205922012-01-10T18:58:00.000-08:002012-02-12T09:08:43.445-08:00Synagogue: A Prayer House or a Prayer Home?<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">Since coming out I find myself searching for a <i>shul</i> that I feel comfortable in. My attitude towards <i>davening</i> (praying) is a result of my upbringing. I expect a very solemn, serious service with minimal talking in the pews and an all-encompassing feel of spiritual aspiration <i>b’Shma</i> (for its own purpose). I am therefore comfortable with the services in traditional black-hat and German style synagogues. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I have different expectations for my community, expectations that I have not been able to fulfill in the traditional synagogues I just mentioned. I take comfort in a community that is accepting of everyone, a community that sees each person for the inner spark that they can provide and welcomes them into the fold so that spark can be nurtured into a roaring flame. In these communities I feel that I can be open and respected as a gay man and, more importantly, as a gay Jew. I have found communities like this among the left-leaning “independent minyanim” I’ve encountered in Israel, New York City, Washington D.C. and others. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">My problem is as follows: in the traditional communities I don’t feel welcome as an individual. It is as if, upon entering the synagogue, I find myself facing a security guard who demands that I leave my personality at the door. Then and only then may I participate in the prayers. In the more liberal communities I feel welcomed, embraced, appreciated for the entirety of what I have to offer. However, I find it difficult to connect through their services which tend to be a bit more relaxed than I am comfortable/familiar with. I’ve found some <i>shuls</i> that attempt to create a middle ground, proclaiming a modern approach to Judaic community with basically the same traditional services. Unfortunately, more often than not this third type of community leaves me wanting for both community and service. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I once happened a shul in Yerushalayim that actually did a good job at creating a middle ground. This is the Yedidya community in the Talpiot/Baka neighborhood. But this community is half a world away. What am I to do? Should I pray where I feel I could potentially develop a better spiritual connection, even though this nexus is diminished by the limits of the community? Or, in the alternative, should I pray where I feel welcomed, but unable to comfortably engage in a prayer services? A <i>shul</i> needs to be more than a prayer house, more than a building of concrete and wood containing mortals aspiring to be more for a few hours a day. A <i>shul</i> needs to be a home where I feel comfortable approaching G-d as a father, but it cannot lose the quality of inspiring the fear of G-d as a king. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;">I suppose I’m just guy trying to find my way home. </span></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-39229046167004809732011-12-17T16:53:00.000-08:002012-02-12T09:08:58.747-08:00On a LIGHTer note . . .<div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Gingerbread lattes in visually seductive red cups, Michael Bublé crooning renditions of classic holiday songs and the joy on the faces of cheerful gentiles . . . it’s all enough to sweep even the most observant Jew into the “tis the seasons” and eggnog induced stupors. I’ve fallen prey to the seductive commercialization of the holidays more than once. The idea of a warm hearth and brightly decorated home usually trigger my nesting emotions. (I promise, I’m going somewhere with this). </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">As a university freshman I briefly dated a nice young Jewish man a year my senior. Though our relationship was destined to fail, he loathed orthodoxy, this dalliance with romance—my first—was great. I found expression for emotions I had never before been able to release. Particularly vivid from our time together is when I took my then boyfriend to my German club’s holiday <i>Kaffeeklatsch</i>. Proudly I introduced him to my professor as “mein Freund.” “Ein Freund,” my professor corrected me. The possessive “mein” made my statement mean he was boyfriend as opposed to simply a friend. I knew what I had said, so I smiled and gently reiterated my statement. I think she was slightly shocked, but she accepted it and the festivities continued. That relationship ended a short while later on a particularly warm December 25. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">I’m embarrassed to say that the very next year I fell prey to the very same mistletoe infused emotions. This time I went a bit further and attempted to date a non-Jew. I both smile and cringe when I recall that our first date was spent building a gingerbread house. He was sweet, charming, looked adorable with a Santa hat on and wished me a Merry Christmas. Talk about destined to fail. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">It’s these experiences and others that make me appreciate the lessons of Chanukah. Falling into the trap of hedonism and the simple of thrills of secular life is <i>so</i> easy. Admittedly, standing behind our windows, kindling our <i>Chanukiot</i> and knowing that, even though Chanukah may not permeate every aspect of society like Christmas does, we stand on a greater path is sometimes a challenge. Sometimes we just need to pull ourselves out of the holiday haze and remember the sacrifice of the Maccabees and what it stands for. I only really learned to appreciate Chanukah because of the relationships I attempted. I succumbed to the holiday spirit and found that nothing lay there for me. I came to understand that those eight little lights (and countless <i>sufganiyot</i>) represent a purpose and a meaning that has survived millennia, despite the prosecutions and unyielding temptations. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">I still smile at the sight of a wreath hanging on a door and the Starbucks red cups make me giddy, but I now know that my future resides in something greater. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">The first night of Chanukah is Tuesday, 20 Dec. Light with pride. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jzh-TKzXN2k">A short video to get in the Chanukah mood. </a></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-74321419472512346682011-12-12T08:05:00.000-08:002012-02-12T09:09:28.432-08:00Some much needed Mussar<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I had earnestly hoped that that when I had the time to post it would be a Dvar Torah filled with inspiration and warmth. Thanks to a bit of commotion in the Jewish world (and a bout of insomnia) I’m again writing before I intended on not exactly on the topic of my choice. </div><div class="MsoNormal">A few weeks ago R’ Steven Greenberg, author of <i>Wrestling with G-d and Man</i>, director of <i>Trembling Before G-d</i> and self-proclaimed gay Orthodox rabbi officiated at a gay orthodox wedding. In the aftermath of this occasion a group of 100 orthodox rabbis from across America organized the signing of a latter condemning the ceremony. <a href="http://www.algemeiner.com/2011/12/05/100-orthodox-rabbis-issue-same-sex-marriage-declaration/">Source</a> . R’ Greenberg, in response, claimed that the ceremony was not a wedding and was not intended to be one because it lacked <i>Kiddushin</i>. <a href="http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/opinion/case_companionship">Source</a> . Yet actions speak louder than words and the circumstances fo the ceremony place it within the context of a wedding. The ceremony contained a chuppah, both men exchanged rings, smashed glasses and wore kittles . . . looks a lot like a wedding to me. <a href="http://www.jewishjournal.com/bloggish/item/rabbi_marries_orthodox_gay_couple_20111114/">Source</a> . </div><div class="MsoNormal">I’m not against gay marriage—I plan on getting married myself. I’m against people trying to find loopholes in <i>halacha</i> and wordsmithing their way out of a difficult situation. I also believe that other strains of Judaism (Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist) are free to do what they want with gay weddings. <a href="http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/10/06/gay-marriage-announcement-fiasco-in-the-jewish-standard.html">Source</a>. I, however, do not subscribe to that interpretation of Judaism and don’t think anyone would try and label it as “orthodox.”</div><div class="MsoNormal">The next even of significance was the presentation of letter—shall we say a contra-Statement of Principles—that held nothing back as it blasted Jewish gays in demanding that they undergo reparative therapy and seek Teshuva for their misdeeds. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jayson-littman/orthodox-rabbis-homosexuality-declaration_b_1114090.html?ref=gay-voices">Source</a> (you can ignore the op-ed and read the actual letter at the bottom). This made my blood boil for a number of reasons: </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;">1)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><span dir="LTR"></span>Its suggestions are ignorant and scientifically rejected</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;">2)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><span dir="LTR"></span>It seems to have been in the works for well over a year but cowardly kept separate until enough signatures were gathered (note the date on R’ Kamenetsky’s signed copy as well as the request that the contens be kept secret until enough signatories were amassed). </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;">3)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><span dir="LTR"></span>One of the primary supporters—R’ Shmuel Kamenetsky—is a man I was raised to revere and this causes me to question his status as a<i> Gadol HaDor</i>.<br />
(UPDATE, 1/5/12 the complete list of signatories can be found <a href="http://torahdec.org/Signatures.aspx">here</a>)</div><div class="MsoNormal">After all this I stumbled upon yet another article, this one from a rabbi at Brown University I had previously not heard of. <a href="http://www.thejewishweek.com/editorial_opinion/opinion/misguided_rabbinical_priorities_0">source</a> . While I don’t agree with all of what he writes, his main point is striking and I place 100% of my support behind it: Orthodoxy is shattered. As the bearers of Hashems eternal truth in this world we—via our rabbinical leadership-- are failing in our mission as we hide behind letters, allowing ourselves to flee from confrontation as we fail to establish a uniform response to the issues that plague our society—or in many cases, any response at all. I weep for the days of the Sandhedrin or the Shoftim. Even if those scholars of old would chastise me, or worse, for my sexuality, I long for the days when G-d’s will permeated every aspect of Jewish life as it found embodiment on the lips of men and women wiser and more spiritually connected that I can ever hope to be. Orthodoxy has failed. We have succumbed to the divisive effects of Galut and are a flock of lost sheep. </div><div class="MsoNormal">I believe you can be orthodox and gay. I believe you can be orthodox, gay and a rabbi. I believe you can be orthodox, gay, a rabbi and celebrate the companionship of a same-sex couple. I don’t believe that the tradition of orthodoxy was meant to be bastardized by and vast number of rabbis who would seek to use the Torah to promote their own points of view that they dare not challenge. </div><div class="MsoNormal">A man whose wisdom and guidance I cherish and view as a return to the tradition that is all-but-lost recently told me that, to him, the sexuality of the man davening next to him is irrelevant. I hope we can all relate to the message in his poignant and simple truth. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-8277493892165779682011-11-28T12:29:00.000-08:002012-02-12T09:09:54.683-08:00Psychology Today<div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">In my last post I mentioned that I wouldn't be writing for the rest of November, and that was the plan. Plans change. Furthermore, I rarely promote things on this blog and when I do it is with good reason. </span></div><div style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">I recently received an e-mail from a very nice woman researching the psychological interactions of coming-out, family and religion (that is my description, I'm including her terminology below). She asked me to participate in her study and/or to pass on her information to other possible candidates. I agreed to participate and delayed deciding about promoting the study until after I experienced it first hand. Having now taken part in the study, I wholeheartedly endorse participation. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">To quote Principal Investigator (the woman conducting the research), Ms. Chana Etengoff, she:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"> "is currently recruiting participants for a study focusing on gay individuals’ (ages 18-35) and their key religious family members’ thoughts regarding religion and sexual identity. Participants will be asked to answer questions that address this experience at both the family systems and individual level.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></div><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 115%;">This semi-structured interview is comprised of 17 questions and it is estimated that the interview will be completed in a half of an hour to 45 minutes. In addition, three vignettes (stories) will be presented for response regarding socio-religious obstacles regarding being religious and having a gay family member. The estimated time of completion for this portion of the study is 30 minutes to one hour."</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 115%;">Two notes: 1) From my understanding, the research is primarily focusing on men. 2) Its not required for participation, but it is a plus if you have a family member who would also be willing to participate. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 115%;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 115%;">If you are interested in participating, e-mail Ms. Etengoff at CEtengoff@gc.cuny.edu . </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 115%;">Feel free to e-mail me about my experience in the study </span></span><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; line-height: 115%;">if you have any questions or hesitations about participating. </span></span>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-49756041719528848982011-11-17T08:36:00.000-08:002012-02-12T09:10:08.861-08:00The Key<div class="TNR12CxSpFirst" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><i>It’s been a while since I’ve written. I don’t have time for a lengthy post. However, November marks the 1 year anniversary of this project and I feel that I must leave you with some thoughts.</i></div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">As a teenager coming out and braving an unknown world I thought I was in love. His name is Scott, he isn’t Jewish and until today he remains one of the most influential people I have ever interacted with. I haven’t spoken to him in over half a decade. We only met in person once after communicating online for a while (this occurred during the pre-Gchat days of myspace and AOL instant messaging). What made our evening, which was not a date, so powerful was how calm and reassured he made me feel. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">I was a scared, hormonal teenager with an uncertain future. I alienated my Jewish friends, was on bad terms with my parents and did not have anyone to counsel me or offer me guidance or advice. He did all that. We met in a coffee shop, chatted for a while and then went to a <a href="http://www.myspace.com/newhipstereo"><span style="color: blue;">concert</span></a>. We spoke about my depression, religion and art. Scott told me that with a positive attitude I could do anything. I believed him and to this day his words of wisdom guide me through the most challenging of days. At the end of the evening he gave me a ride home and I have not seen him since. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">This brings me to the following point: how can you support a friend, or a practical stranger, who is struggling with their sexuality? By being yourself. By recognizing their challenge and meeting it with a calm, unfaltering sense of warmth that does not place them into the category of “other.” With a positive attitude you can do anything. If you allow that positivity to permeate the conversation you have with your friend you will reassure them as I was reassured.</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpLast" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Happy Anniversary.<br />
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*minor grammatical edit at 16:30 on 17-11-11.</div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-37629142172327344532011-10-17T20:01:00.000-07:002012-02-12T09:10:24.404-08:00Rest in Peace<div class="TNR12CxSpFirst">During the autumn of 2010 the world witnessed a stream of isolated but tragic events: the suicides of gay youth around North America. These teenagers, truly children, took their own lives because they could no longer deal with the difficulties that came as a consequence of their sexuality, their homosexuality. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">Initiatives and movements sprung up to offer support to gay youth and decry the events. The “It Gets Better” YouTube video series remains the most famous among them. For a short while we, the gay community and its allies, dared to believe that our collective support conveyed the message that life would indeed get better for gay teens facing taunts or ridicule from their peers or inner struggles. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><i>We were wrong</i>. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">On September 18<sup>th</sup>, 2011, Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old from Buffalo, NY took his own life.</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">On October 14<sup>th</sup>, 2011, Jamie Hubley, a 15 year old from Ottawa, Canada followed suit, also taking his own life. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">Both of these young men were active bloggers who just wanted to be accepted for who they were. The death of both these boys is the direct result of the intolerance, the bigotry, that permeates our supposedly liberal society. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">I’m sad and angry. These deaths <u>should not</u> have occurred. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">The reason these tragedies strike so close to home is because not all that long ago,* a long time before YouTube and the “It Gets Better” movement, I too contemplated “escaping” the life that seemed to present me with nothing but hardship. Obviously, I chose a different path, but that doesn’t stop the memories from haunting me to this very day. I spent some time today reflecting on what stopped me from committing suicide. At first, I couldn’t find an answer. Upon further contemplation I realized that I was lucky. In my teenage years I happened upon a few token individuals who either listened to my cries or simply lived and led by example. Though no one could guarantee that everything would be okay or removed the pain I felt, they let me know that the choice was mine and that in time I could build the life I wanted and deserved. I wish these boys could have had the same luck. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">Please, preach acceptance and love. Reach out to your friends, or your friends kids, or a random stranger you encounter who seems to be struggling because of their sexuality and let them know that you will do your best to help them with whatever you are able. Let them know they are loved. Let’s rally together to ensure that the deaths stop here and now. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle">It is customary in the Jewish tradition to perform certain <i>Mitzvot</i>, good deeds, in honor of the deceased so that their souls are elevated to higher levels of Heaven. One such custom is to donate charity. Please join me in donating a few bills to a local charity in memory of these two young men. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpLast">*By “not all that long ago” I mean nearly a decade ago. </div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-86698636416790855962011-10-02T08:50:00.001-07:002012-02-12T09:10:35.385-08:00Not far from the apple tree . . .<div class="TNR12CxSpFirst" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">On Rosh HaShana we read the story of <i>Akeidat Yizhak</i> – the Binding of Isaac. This title begs the following question: If this was a test for this father, Abraham, why is called “the Binding of Isaac”? The storybook version of this biblical episode would have us believe that when the two men reached the top of the mountain where Abraham intended to fulfill G-d’s command and sacrifice Isaac, Abraham simply bound his son and prepared to complete this seemingly impossible task. This over simplified version of the tale omits one crucial aspect. Our rabbis teach us that, as he lay down to meet his maker, Isaac begged his father to be tied down. Isaac did not intend running from his fate, he was 100% committed to the endeavor, but he feared that his body would unintentionally flinch during the ceremony and if any part of his body was blemished the sacrifice would be rendered impure. Thus, as much as this was a test for the father, it was Isaac’s binding – his choice to remain devout to his faith – that was also being tested. We each face our own challenges in life, and I firmly believe that the bond between parents and children is especially strong when it comes to tests of faith. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">When I first began coming to terms with my sexuality, one of my primary concerns was the result my coming-out would have on my parents’ stature in our community. I feared that my parents would face criticism and would be judged harshly and I wanted no harm to befall them. They say that an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and that’s true. I know that my strict adherence to my faith is because of the lessons I learned in my parents’ home. I learned to love G-d, the Torah and the Jewish community as a whole, even when I do not understand or disagree with some aspect contained within any of those three. Eventually I came to realize that, so long as I adhere to the principles set out for me by my parents, I will not disappoint them and they will not be ashamed, regardless of what anyone else may think or say. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: 0.5in;">Over the past few weeks I’ve been grappling with the issue I presented in my last post. Frum gay Jews comprising on aspects of their faith or observance because of their search for a significant other. Now, for the purposes of full disclosure, there was a time when I myself believed that I could date someone less observant (or even non-Jewish) and that I would still be able to build a nice, Jewish home. I abandoned that thought process when I returned to the moral compass set out for me by parents. I set myself straight – pun intended – when I realized that conceding aspects of my identity and my observance was no way to build a future. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> The dual test of Isaac and Abraham serves as a model for the relationship between parents and gay frum children. The struggle of being gay and frum is not an individual struggle. The test this presents affects both the gay individual as well as his or her parents. While our parents must accept us for who we are and trust us to make wise decisions, we should reciprocate by guiding our lives in a manner consistent with the morals they set out for us. </div><div class="TNR12CxSpMiddle" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><br />
</div><div class="TNR12CxSpLast" style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><i>Gmar Chatimah Tovah</i>. I wish you all a happy and health New Year and hope you will be inscribed only in the book of blessing and good fortune. <br />
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P.S. Parents: If you are interested in joining Tmicha, the online support community for parents of orthodox gay children, e-mail admin@jqyouth.org </div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-10244648913461598862011-09-17T19:23:00.000-07:002012-02-12T09:10:49.290-08:00Kidas Moshe ViYisroel<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I have written on this topic in the past, but it bears reconsideration. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><i>Between 1996 and 2001, 47% of Jewish marriages were intermarriages. These numbers are especially true amongst individuals with weaker ties to Judaism. </i>Source 1.<i> </i></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> As my readers know, I see the observance of Judaism as a practice dictating every aspect of life. This is especially true when it comes to marriage. In the first years after I came out, I dated men who were not Jewish. I ceased doing so when, one cold December 25th, a man I briefly dated greeted me with a “Merry Christmas.” I realized then that, no matter how emotionally tied I might become to a non-Jew, bringing a non-Jewish husband home with me would be impractical. Consider, by example, the fact that, under a strict interpretation of Halacha, I would be unable to share most wines with him. Would I ask him to observe Shabbat for me? Kosher? Would I ask my friends and family to trust me that I kept my home to a strict standard or kashrut if he ate non-kosher out of the house or did not keep Shabbat? Why should I be the party in the relationship that asked the other to make such life altering concessions? Since then, I have extended this same logic to dating only Jews who are, at a minimum, orthodox-leaning. I dated men who are less observant that I am, some for extended periods of time. Each of these dalliances ended because, while I’m willing to compromise on many issues, I don’t feel right considering my religious observance something to be negotiated. Should I be more progressive in my dating? I don’t think so. This question has been contentious between me and some of my closest friends who, over the past few months, have increasingly pressured me to lower my standards and date people who are non-Frum. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It bothers me that some of my friends see homosexuality as an excuse to date outside of the faith or outside communities of observance. It would be a rare circumstance indeed that the same advice or pressure would be bestowed upon a Frum straight man or woman. Why should sexuality change that? For the larger half of a decade I have vigorously defended the truth that being gay changes little in the daily practicalities of observance. Wouldn’t it be hypocritical of me to suddenly concede this point? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I want to know what all of you think about this. Whether you agree or disagree with me, why do you do so? If you are the family or friend of a gay Jew, how would you feel if she or she brought someone who isn’t religious home? What if that individual wasn’t Jewish? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Source 1: http://www.jewishfederations.org/page.aspx?id=46253</span></div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-1342313387032782462011-08-31T19:09:00.000-07:002012-02-12T09:11:21.690-08:00A Guest Post: Human Nature<i>A friend of mine recently relayed a story to me, one that he had not previously told anyone else. I asked him to share it on this blog. He agreed and, after some editing on my part, which still does not mean its perfect, we are graced with the post below. Enjoy!</i><br />
<br />
Thanks, Benjy, for letting me write this. I hope you all appreciate what I have to say. <br />
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Traveling from his apartment in Jerusalem to Ben-Gurion airport, I marveled at the signs of a city coming to life as my Sheirut passed through numerois neighborhoods, picking up passengers as it went. The airport-taxi slowly filled up. As we, the embarked, entered the neighborhood of Har Nof one seat, next to an aging, modern looking, man, remained open. The Sheirut pulled up to a curb and a woman, an obviously religious woman, boarded. If you've ever been on a Sheirut you know that, between the baggage and their size, personal space is somewhat . . . limited. I could sense the discomfort of the woman at being seated so close to a man. After considering the situation for a minute, I summoned up my courage and, in the most authorotative manner I could muster, I rearranged some of the seating in the Sheirut so that no one's sense of propriety would be harmed. <br />
<br />
Until telling this story to Benjy I had never mentioned it to anyone. But that's because of what happened next. The man sitting nexxt to me, also frum and not the same man as earlier, leaned over and told me that he thought I was a Zaddik-- a rightous individual. At that moment my only thought, as I nodded my head and looked down at my knees, was "would he still think that if he knew that I'm gay?"<br />
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Obviously, we all do kind deeds and we also all do or say things that we shouldn't. Yet, I often find myself troubled by the fact that people will change their minds about another individual based solely on aspect of the person's personality. The single fact that I'm gay can turn the nicest most admirable person into a raging zealot. Call it bigotry, call it small mindedness, but it is the world we live in. <br />
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Neither my actions in the Sheirut, not my sexuality, define the entirety of my being. It is my sincere hope for the future that people will learn to judge one another by their whole person, not only the fragments visible on the surface.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7080431201453058606.post-11219747350515560792011-07-23T21:53:00.001-07:002012-02-12T10:26:36.944-08:00genesis<div class="MsoNormal">In April I saw an interesting series of question sent out via the JQYouth e-mail list-serve. I did not notice any responses to the message at the time but made the conscious decision of responding by ways of a blog past once we reached July (the reason for this decision will be clarified below).</div><div class="MsoNormal">Question(s):</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in;">In the post-YU Panel-and-Statement-of-Principles Jewish world:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;">1.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><span dir="LTR"></span>“What reactions {have] you[ ] seen, both positive and negative, since the panel in your synagogue, around your circle of friends, family members, and daily life?”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;">2.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><span dir="LTR"></span>“[D]id th[e] intended dialogue occur? “</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.75in; text-indent: -0.25in;">3.<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span><span dir="LTR"></span>Has there been any impact on the international or local (referencing NYC) scale?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This month marks the one year since the Statement of Principles was first published. In this time, the list of signatories has been updated and edited on multiple occasions. The list of individuals lending their support to the Statement include respected rabbis and professionals such as Rabbi Shlomo Riskin and the Rabbis Angel. While impressive, I do not think that approaching the Statement as a starting ground is proper.</div><div class="MsoNormal">While the Statement marked a beginning, it is not to be viewed as the dawn of an era of communal discussion or change. Discourse on the status of gays, lesbians and, to some extent, bisexuals in the Jewish community stems back at least two or three decades (really it goes back even farther). During most of this time, however, the conversations were limited and the problem was seen as one to be dealt with by the rabbinical elite. Since the turn of the millennium, this view slowly changed. What was once cautiously swept under the rug and recognized only in silence or among the closest of confidants began to slip into common discourse. The film Trembling Before G-d, the books by Rabbis Rapoport and Greenberg and the founding of JQYouth as well as JONAH unknowingly set the stage for the YU Panel and the Statement to occur. Thus, the Panel and the Statement should not be viewed as the cause from that reactions should be evaluated, but rather as the culmination of ceaseless efforts to insert the problems that gay Jews face into the homes and everyday lives of Orthodox Jews. With that sentence I may seem to be contradicting myself, but this is not the case. Only one year since the Statement’s issuance, we have not yet had enough time to gauge its impact and can, at this point, only see it for what it followed, not what it began. </div><div class="MsoNormal">With that in mind, I would respond to the author of the questions as follows: The Statement and the Panel are the intended reactions to many years of tireless effort to give the dilemmas of Gay Orthodox Jews a human face. They <i>were</i> the intended dialogue. While it is hoped that both mark not only the end of one period but the start of another, it is too early to claim definitive results, positive or negative. We are in the midst of a new history being written, one that is still too fresh to be read or understood. </div>Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com0