Rest in Peace

During the autumn of 2010 the world witnessed a stream of isolated but tragic events: the suicides of gay youth around North America.  These teenagers, truly children, took their own lives because they could no longer deal with the difficulties that came as a consequence of their sexuality, their homosexuality.  

Initiatives and movements sprung up to offer support to gay youth and decry the events.  The “It Gets Better” YouTube video series remains the most famous among them.  For a short while we, the gay community and its allies, dared to believe that our collective support conveyed the message that life would indeed get better for gay teens facing taunts or ridicule from their peers or inner struggles. 

We were wrong. 

On September 18^th, 2011, Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old from Buffalo, NY took his own life.

On October 14^th, 2011, Jamie Hubley, a 15 year old from Ottawa, Canada followed suit, also taking his own life. 

Both of these young men were active bloggers who just wanted to be accepted for who they were.  The death of both these boys is the direct result of the intolerance, the bigotry, that permeates our supposedly liberal society. 

I’m sad and angry.  These deaths should not have occurred. 

The reason these tragedies strike so close to home is because not all that long ago,* a long time before YouTube and the “It Gets Better” movement, I too contemplated “escaping” the life that seemed to present me with nothing but hardship.  Obviously, I chose a different path, but that doesn’t stop the memories from haunting me to this very day.  I spent some time today reflecting on what stopped me from committing suicide.  At first, I couldn’t find an answer.  Upon further contemplation I realized that I was lucky.  In my teenage years I happened upon a few token individuals who either listened to my cries or simply lived and led by example. Though no one  could guarantee that everything would be okay or removed the pain I felt, they let me know that the choice was mine and that in time I could build the life I wanted and deserved.  I wish these boys could have had the same luck. 

Please, preach acceptance and love.  Reach out to your friends, or your friends kids, or a random stranger you encounter who seems to be struggling because of their sexuality and let them know that you will do your best to help them with whatever you are able.  Let them know they are loved.  Let’s rally together to ensure that the deaths stop here and now. 

It is customary in the Jewish tradition to perform certain Mitzvot, good deeds, in honor of the deceased so that their souls are elevated to higher levels of Heaven.  One such custom is to donate charity.  Please join me in donating a few bills to a local charity in memory of these two young men. 

*By “not all that long ago” I mean nearly a decade ago. 

Not far from the apple tree . . .

On Rosh HaShana we read the story of Akeidat Yizhak – the Binding of Isaac.  This title begs the following question: If this was a test for this father, Abraham, why is called “the Binding of Isaac”? The storybook version of this biblical episode would have us believe that when the two men reached the top of the mountain where Abraham intended to fulfill G-d’s command and sacrifice Isaac, Abraham simply bound his son and prepared to complete this seemingly impossible task.  This over simplified version of the tale omits one crucial aspect.  Our rabbis teach us that, as he lay down to meet his maker, Isaac begged his father to be tied down.  Isaac did not intend running from his fate, he was 100% committed to the endeavor, but he feared that his body would unintentionally flinch during the ceremony and if any part of his body was blemished the sacrifice would be rendered impure.  Thus, as much as this was a test for the father, it was Isaac’s binding – his choice to remain devout to his faith – that was also being tested.  We each face our own challenges in life, and I firmly believe that the bond between parents and children is especially strong when it comes to tests of faith.  

When I first began coming to terms with my sexuality, one of my primary concerns was the result my coming-out would have on my parents’ stature in our community.  I feared that my parents would face criticism and would be judged harshly and I wanted no harm to befall them.  They say that an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and that’s true.  I know that my strict adherence to my faith is because of the lessons I learned in my parents’ home.  I learned to love G-d, the Torah and the Jewish community as a whole, even when I do not understand or disagree with some aspect contained within any of those three.  Eventually I came to realize that, so long as I adhere to the principles set out for me by my parents, I will not disappoint them and they will not be ashamed, regardless of what anyone else may think or say.  

Over the past few weeks I’ve been grappling with the issue I presented in my last post.  Frum gay Jews comprising on aspects of their faith or observance because of their search for a significant other.  Now, for the purposes of full disclosure, there was a time when I myself believed that I could date someone less observant (or even non-Jewish) and that I would still be able to build a nice, Jewish home.  I abandoned that thought process when I returned to the moral compass set out for me by parents.  I set myself straight – pun intended – when I realized that conceding aspects of my identity and my observance was no way to build a future. 

 The dual test of Isaac and Abraham serves as a model for the  relationship between parents and gay frum children.  The struggle of being gay and frum is not an individual struggle.  The test this presents affects both the gay individual as well as his or her parents.  While our parents must accept us for who we are and trust us to make wise decisions, we should reciprocate by guiding our lives in a manner consistent with the morals they set out for us. 

Gmar Chatimah Tovah.  I wish you all a happy and health New Year and hope you will be inscribed only in the book of blessing and good fortune. 

P.S. Parents: If you are  interested in joining Tmicha, the online support community for parents of orthodox gay children, e-mail admin@jqyouth.org 

Kidas Moshe ViYisroel

I have written on this topic in the past, but it bears reconsideration. 

Between 1996 and 2001, 47% of Jewish marriages were intermarriages.  These numbers are especially true amongst individuals with weaker ties to Judaism. Source 1.

 As my readers know, I see the observance of Judaism as a practice dictating every aspect of life.  This is especially true when it comes to marriage.   In the first years after I came out, I dated men who were not Jewish.  I ceased doing so when, one cold December 25th, a man I briefly dated greeted me with a “Merry Christmas.”   I realized then that, no matter how emotionally tied I might become to a non-Jew, bringing a non-Jewish husband home with me would be impractical.  Consider, by example, the fact that, under a strict interpretation of Halacha, I would be unable to share most wines with him.  Would I ask him to observe Shabbat for me? Kosher? Would I ask my friends and family to trust me that I kept my home to a strict standard or kashrut if he ate non-kosher out of the house or did not keep Shabbat? Why should I be the party in the relationship that asked the other to make such life altering concessions? Since then, I have extended this same logic to dating only Jews who are, at a minimum, orthodox-leaning.  I dated men who are less observant that I am, some for extended periods of time.  Each of these dalliances ended because, while I’m willing to compromise on many issues, I don’t feel right considering my religious observance something to be negotiated.  Should I be more progressive in my dating?  I don’t think so.  This question has been contentious between me and some of my closest friends who, over the past few months, have increasingly pressured me to lower my standards and date people who are non-Frum. 

It bothers me that some of my friends see homosexuality as an excuse to date outside of the faith or outside communities of observance.  It would be a rare circumstance indeed that the same advice or pressure would be bestowed upon a Frum straight man or woman.  Why should sexuality change that? For the larger half of a decade I have vigorously defended the truth that being gay changes little in the daily practicalities of observance.   Wouldn’t it be hypocritical of me to suddenly concede this point? 

I want to know what all of you think about this.  Whether you agree or disagree with me, why do you do so? If you are the family or friend of a gay Jew, how would you feel if she or she brought someone who isn’t religious home? What if that individual wasn’t Jewish? 

Source 1: http://www.jewishfederations.org/page.aspx?id=46253

A Guest Post: Human Nature

A friend of mine recently relayed a story to me, one that he had not previously told anyone else. I asked him to share it on this blog. He agreed and, after some editing on my part, which still does not mean its perfect, we are graced with the post  below. Enjoy!

Thanks, Benjy, for letting me write this.  I hope you all appreciate what I have to say.

Traveling from his apartment in Jerusalem to Ben-Gurion airport, I marveled at the signs of a city coming to life as my Sheirut passed through numerois neighborhoods, picking up passengers as it went. The airport-taxi slowly filled up. As we, the embarked, entered the neighborhood of Har Nof one seat, next to an aging, modern looking, man, remained open. The Sheirut pulled up to a curb and a woman, an obviously religious woman, boarded.  If you've ever been on a Sheirut you know that, between the baggage and their size, personal space is somewhat . . . limited. I could sense the discomfort of the woman at being seated so close to a man.   After considering the situation for a minute, I summoned up my courage and, in the most authorotative manner I could muster, I rearranged some of the seating in the Sheirut so that no one's sense of propriety would be harmed.

Until telling this story to Benjy I had never mentioned it to anyone. But that's because of what happened next. The man sitting nexxt to me, also frum and not the same man as earlier, leaned over and told me that he thought I was a Zaddik-- a rightous individual.  At that moment my only thought, as I nodded my head and looked down at my knees, was "would he still think that if he knew that I'm gay?"

Obviously, we all do kind deeds and we also all do or say things that we shouldn't.  Yet, I often find myself troubled by the fact that people will change their minds about another individual based solely on aspect of the person's personality.  The single fact that I'm gay can turn the nicest most admirable person into a raging zealot.  Call it bigotry, call it small mindedness, but it is the world we live in.

Neither my actions in the Sheirut, not my sexuality, define the entirety of my being.  It is my sincere hope for the future that people will learn to judge one another by their whole person, not only the fragments visible on the surface.

genesis

In April I saw an interesting series of question sent out via the JQYouth e-mail list-serve. I did not notice any responses to the message at the time but made the conscious decision of responding by ways of a blog past once we reached July (the reason for this decision will be clarified below).

Question(s):

In the post-YU Panel-and-Statement-of-Principles Jewish world:

1.       “What reactions {have] you[ ] seen, both positive and negative, since the panel in your synagogue, around your circle of friends, family members, and daily life?”

2.       “[D]id th[e] intended dialogue occur? “

3.       Has there been any impact on the international or local (referencing NYC) scale?

This month marks the one year since the Statement of Principles was first published. In this time, the list of signatories has been updated and edited on multiple occasions. The list of individuals lending their support to the Statement include respected rabbis and professionals such as Rabbi Shlomo  Riskin and the Rabbis Angel. While impressive, I do not think that approaching the Statement as a starting ground is proper.

While the Statement marked a beginning, it is not to be viewed as the dawn of an era of communal discussion or change. Discourse on the status of gays, lesbians and, to some extent, bisexuals in the Jewish community stems back at least two or three decades (really it goes back even farther). During most of this time, however, the conversations were limited and the problem was seen as one to be dealt with by the rabbinical elite. Since the turn of the millennium, this view slowly changed. What was once cautiously swept under the rug and recognized only in silence or among the closest of confidants began to slip into common discourse. The film Trembling Before G-d, the books by Rabbis Rapoport and Greenberg and the founding of JQYouth as well as JONAH unknowingly set the stage for the YU Panel and the Statement to occur. Thus, the Panel and the Statement should not be viewed as the cause from that reactions should be evaluated, but rather as the culmination of ceaseless efforts to insert the problems that gay Jews face into the homes and everyday lives of Orthodox Jews. With that sentence I may seem to be contradicting myself, but this is not the case. Only one year since the Statement’s issuance, we have not yet had enough time to gauge its impact and can, at this point, only see it for what it followed, not what it began.

With that in mind, I would respond to the author of the questions as follows: The Statement and the Panel are the intended reactions to many years of tireless effort to give the dilemmas of Gay Orthodox Jews a human face. They were the intended dialogue. While it is hoped that both mark not only the end of one period but the start of another, it is too early to claim definitive results, positive or negative. We are in the midst of a new history being written, one that is still too fresh to be read or understood.

Critique is Chic

The sun is shining. The air is warm. This is the seasons for baseball and, soon, the end of the school year and . . . pride parades. As a proud gay Jew, I do. not. like. pride parades.

I see pride in one’s sexuality as comparable to having pride because of having one hand as dominant or having a specific hair colour. We all have a sexuality and we all have a dominant hand. Being proud of being born normal is nothing all that special. I do think that gay men and women should be proud when they overcome ignorance and bigotry, but that is not the message conveyed by these parades. In their current embodiment, pride parades do more harm than good to the fight for gay equality— especially the political battle for civil rights.

The scantily clad men and women, the blatant displays of promiscuity and the drag queens/kings (by the way, not all gay) do not evidence a community with enough self respect to qualify for these rights. These attempts at “pride” speak more of a community of immature men and women eager to flaunt their hedonistic tendencies more than they exemplify a group of functioning adults ready and able to contribute to society as a whole.

As a gay Orthodox Jew, I present myself to the world in a Tzanua, modest, manner. I do not flaunt my sexuality because doing so would suggest that I am nothing more than my basic sexual instincts and desires. To qualify that statement: this does not mean that I am opposed to the occasional public display of affection or that I think there are no situations where opening discussing issues that face gay people is appropriate. The former speaks to an emotional connection and the latter is a necessary educational tool. However, I firmly disagree with the “I’m here, I’m queer” mentality. This attitude works to further the depiction of the gay man or woman as “the other” rather than promote an inclusive Kehila, community. I see the proper code of conduct as “I’m here, I so happen to be queer.”

Rather than highlighting the things about us that make us different to thrust them in other peoples’ faces, we should stress our commonalities. Doing so would have the effect of removing the negative stigmas attached to being gay as well as the label of “the other” that is still firmly affixed to the gay identity. We must show the ignorant people around us that to us, just like to them, our sexuality is a mere fragment of the totality of our personalities. Making that change in the world would be an accomplishment worth being proud of and worth celebrating.

Good Questions, Bad Answers

Every so often I peruse the web to try and find interesting articles, websites or youtube clips that touch upon the same issues I discuss here. I recently stumbled upon a YouTube clip that troubled me greatly. On YouTube I found a response to the It Gets Better video created by a number of members of JQYouth. The video contains a caricatured version of a gay orthodox Jew (henceforth “GOJ’s”)who is answering questions about how gay Jews can live observant lives on a practical level. The purpose of this video is to promote the ideas that gay Jews: cannot live happy lives within a Halachic framework; are gay because of a traumatic event in childhood rather than being born with their sexuality; can change by the use of reparative therapy. The questions presented are valid, but the answers lack authenticity and the analogy used by the video’s author to prove that gay men can “change” is flawed. This post is dedicated to providing real answers to the issues in the video.

1)       What does it mean to be a GOJ?

a.       Just as the levels of practice and observance within orthodox Jewry are diverse, so too are the levels of practice and observance among GOJ’s. At its most simple level, being a GOJ means attempting to live one’s life within a Halachic framework while recognizing that one is homosexual. It is the ability to realize that G-d created man in many different forms and that He presented each of us with individualized challenges. Being a GOJ does not necessarily mean that one is “out and proud,” nor does it require prohibited sexual interaction with others of the same gender.

2)      What side of the Mechitzah does a GOJ sit on? Aren’t the genders separated because sexual attraction will distract from davening?

a.       GOJ’s sit on the same side of the Mechitzah as the rest of their gender. I have not yet heard a rabbi propose that gay Jews should sit anywhere else. It is possible that GOJ’s will have a harder time focusing their kavanah,  but the reader will realize two things:  being gay does not mean being attracted to every one of the same sex; we all face struggles in focusing our kavanah, a personal struggle is not a reason to subject someone to public humiliation (which forcing someone to the other side of the Mechitzah would do), this is an opportunity for the GOJ to strengthen his/her kavanah and work on strengthening his/her prayers.

3)      What mikvah, ritual “bath,” does a GOJ use, the mens or the womens?

a.       Just like the Mechitzah, GOJ’s use the Mikvah prescribed to their gender. Again, this may present the Mikvah goer with a unique challenge but remember: being a GOJ does not mean being attracted to every one of the same sex and attending the Mikvah is meant to be a spiritual journey, an immersion to cleanse one of the sins of their body. This requires focus and intent for all people. Personally, because I know that my kavanah is not perfect and because I do not want to risk making anyone else uncomfortable, I go to the mikvah at an hour when it is sure to be empty. When that is not possible, I spend time beforehand concentrating on my spiritual purpose and go to the mikvah on what I hope is an elevated spiritual level . . . and I make sure to avert my gaze.

4)      How does life for a GOJ get better? Can they have sex with someone of the same gender or must they remain celibate?

a.       There are some Rabbanim who do support that GOJ’s remain celibate. However, there are others who support GOJ ‘s in seeking a loving relationship. No one promotes a violation of Halacha, but emotional connections are not prohibited in the Torah. So, how does it “get better”?  For that, I suggest you read this post at anotherfrumgayjew.blogspot.com . The blog’s author was featured in the video and addresses this same question. I think that it “gets better” in the sense that you can reach a level of psychological stability. You can progress in your life knowing who you are and not needing to lie or hide your true self.  In regards to sex, that is a very complicated subject. The answer depends on the individual’s hashkafic approach within orthodoxy, but some contact may be permissible.

5)      The video’s author claims that being gay is caused by abuse during childhood and that, just like an overweight individual does not have a predisposition to being overweight but can learn to control their weight, so too a GOJ can, and should, do the same and “change.”

a.       The idea behind programs like Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig is not to change your urges, but to learn to control them. In that sense, GOJ’s can learn to control their sexual urges. This will not change their sexual orientation, but will be a conscious decision not to act on those urges. For some GOJ’s, this is the right choice. However, at no point will this turn them straight and I urge all GOJ’s still struggling with their sexuality to realize this. This is a valid path for GOJ’s to choose, but I would not recommend that someone attempting to practice such control marry or enter a relationship with a member of the opposite gender unless this truth is first put on the table.

I found the video’s author to be disrespectful towards the bullying that does occur in all societies. when watching some of his other videos, some personal information came to light: He “suffers” from same-sex attraction; has tried to change (and believes he is succeeding); and thinks western culture is trying to force him to accept a part of himself that he despises.

I pity him.

He is obviously not in the best place emotionally and I hope that he can find inner peace. I also hope he stops posting videos that are so negative, but he has as much a right as I have to publish things to the internet so in the meantime I will just hope I can be more persuasive.

P.S. I’m the link to the video: http://www.youtube.com/user/omedyashar?feature=chclk#p/c/F62A308EBC192AC5/9/6xHf4Ruki08