Persevere.

I abstained from writing for the past few months because I could not find the words to describe the emotions and thoughts running through my heart and head.  I think I finally possess the perspective necessary to share. 

Tuesday marks an anniversary of sorts. For the American people this day will serve as a reminder of our precarious position in the world as a force for good facing incomprehensible evil.  Personally, September 11^th has an entirely different meaning: it marks the day I officially came out.  This Tuesday marks my 7^th coming out anniversary.  I approach this date differently each year. This year I find myself frustrated, confused, uncertain, and downright scared.  These are the emotions that prevented me from writing for the past quarter of a year. 

This turmoil resulted from a series of compliments.   A few people called me some synonym of courageous for speaking in public on the topic of the LGBT in the greater Jewish community.  Another few people remarked on my “unique” position in life.  Though not a single one of these people intended to do so, these comments coupled with a realization that many of my frum colleagues have been diminishing their religious practice left me feeling very alone and very lonely. 

I will never not be frum.  That sounds like a bold statement, but it’s not.  You see, for me being frum is not a choice, just like being gay is not a choice.  Both are essential components of my self that I cannot alter.   Truthfully, if being frum was a choice I would likely not choose to continue. I cannot fault the men and women who leave the frum world because of the inherent conflict in being gay and observant. 

I also feel as if I spent the months butting my head against a wall.  For the longest time I couldn’t figure out what that wall was.  At first I thought it represented that orthodox community.  But the slow and steady progress in the community – much of which occurs far from the public eye – is amazing and heartwarming.  I finally realized that my frustration ran deeper.  My association with Judaism, the root of my connection to this faith and community, rests in my parents’ home.   I only became strong because they taught me to be so.  I am unchangeably frum because they showed me many variations of this world and I learned that this one is the right one for me.  But my parents fail to provide me with the support I need as I move forward with my life. 

My dear father, in his kindness and genius, fails to appreciate the emotional turmoil I often encounter. For him, this should be a non-issue, I am who I am and there should be no need for discussion.  My mother . . . I think she is still confused, scared, and ashamed.  With the bedrock of my community not present in the way I need it to be, it’s no wonder I feel frustrated with my community.  This also brings up a pang of jealousy, envy of the men I know whose parents adopted a rally cry of love, compassion, and, as I perceive it, openness for their gay children.  Yes, I am aware that I have been blessed because my parents’ reaction could have been far worse, but there is definite room for growth. 

Juxtaposing this with my single status has amplified all the angst because I haven’t felt the intimacy that I would like to express all this in private.   I also miss the love and affection of a man, delicacies that I have not tasted for quite some time.  I have even begun considering whether I should alter my rule against dating non-frum men, or at the very least open myself up to formerly frum men.

As you can see, I’ve been a bit of an emotional mess recently.  I do want you to know that this hasn’t consumed me as much as this post might make it appear.  Attempting to condense three months into one blog post  probably exaggerates some of my predicament.  My life beyond my sexuality, so professionally, academically, and (non-romantic) socially, has seen many positives.  Those are the factors in my life, friends and challenges beyond my personal life, that allow me to persevere.   I simply pray that G-d will grant me the ability to understand what He has in store for me and when these moving pieces will settle down. 

Shana Tova,

Benjy L. 

Pulpits Consumed in Flames.

We gays confront bigotry on a daily basis.  We gays start new jobs with trepidation, unsure of how and when to come out.  We gays don’t hit on guys unless certain that he “swings” the same way, because hitting on the wrong straight guy can send you to the hospital.  No matter how liberal our city, we gays retain some aspect of fear that the people with whom we interact have fallen prey to the angry, hateful message propagated by individuals who claim G-d as theirs and theirs alone.

We gays suffer from the same flawed, limited world view that judges and hates.  We gays are no better than our adversaries.

If you are reading this blog you are probably aware that a cultural battle over the place of gays in society rages in America.  While I, and the majority of my gay peers and our allies, speak the language of equality and advocate the removal of secular law from within the tentacles of religion, the right leaning, conservative, Judeo-Christian caucus more often than not labels us as sinners and condemns us to Hell.  Two groups of people waging a rhetorical war, each adamantly believing in their cause and neither willing to budge an inch.  This conflict is steeped in hate that pollutes both parties and detracts from the validity of both arguments.  We frequently see this exemplified by those on the religious side.  Consider, by way of example, the recent viral Youtube video depicting two young boys singing “ain’t no homos gonna make it to heaven” in church while standing before a cheering crowd of worshipers.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p4LHw3KWS9A).  Watching it made me sick to my stomach.  But, I am ashamed to say, we gays do not always take the high road.  Recently (not as recently as I’d like but I haven’t had time to write), at a speech to a group of young adult journalist-wannabes, Dan Savage took a few minutes to preach his message that young Americans should overcome the “bullshit” of the Bible.  (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao0k9qDsOvs).  If you watch the video you will note that dozens of attendees left the hall, offended by the hateful message Savage spewed.  Nothing suggests that they left because Dan Savage is gay and his presence offended them.  Nothing in their actions connotes homophobia.  They responded to Savage’s theophobia--his intolerance for the religious beliefs of others.  I won’t go into the ways Savage misrepresented both the Jewish and Christian understandings of the Bible.  I’m sure many individuals better versed in the intricacies of this subject have written extensively on the topic and I would fail to do it justice. 

I firmly believe that fighting fire with fire, wielding a tongue barbed with intolerance because someone attacked you with a comparable weapon, leaves no one uninjured and results in absolutely no progress.  As the saying goes, “an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind.”  I understand both sides of this feud.  After all, at the end of the day being both religious and gay means I stand with one foot in each camp.  G-d, as I understand “Him”, loathes hate.  He created the emotion for the rare occasion where nothing else would suffice.  The one place I recall hate being condoned is with the relationship between the Jews and Amalek.  Love.   Pity.   Compassion.  These are the tools we should use to counsel people and make them understand our perspectives. 

To the faithful believer who cannot fathom a world where homosexuality is morally acceptable, don’t challenge me with fire and brimstone.  Don’t claim a superior  connection to a god neither of us has yet encountered.  Tell me about everything included in the Bible.  Preach to me with love, embrace me as your brother, and, if you must, pity me because you think I have gone astray (thought I would never concede that final point).

To my gay peers, I understand the pain and anger felt when someone bashes you for being true to yourself.  But be warned, you will never succeed in changing their minds and winning support by digging your heels in and responding with a bull-headed argument that religion, or that understanding of religion, is out of vogue.   Rather, paint a fuller picture.  Use the colors of the rainbow you so proudly display to prove that you are not limited by your sexuality and that you are a complete person.  It warms my heart to know that I am not alone in this belief system.  (http://outoncampus.org/uk/misc/946/anti-gay-leader-invited-to-lesbian-family-dinner). 

Accept your disagreement and fight in the courts to determine the future of the country, but don’t hate.   There’s no need.   You will accomplish nothing by adding more strife and bitterness to the world. 

For further reading see http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuley-boteach/dan-savage-savages-the-bible-on-homosexuality_b_1470791.html .

Personal Redemption?

I’m writing this post a few weeks later than I intended, but it remains relevant in the weeks closely following Pesach. 

On Pesach we recount the tale of the four sons: one wise, one wicked, one simple, and one who does not know to ask.  Writers often pay attention to the wicked son because of his distinctive story.  The Haggadic author labels him “wicked”  because he separates himself from his parents nation, asking his father what the story of redemption means to him rather than including himself in those affected by the exodus from Egypt.  The Haggadah commands the father to rebuke this son, for with his attitude the wicked son would not have merited  redemption.   This year, during my family’s first Seder, this story struck a deep cord.  

As a teenager coming to terms with my sexuality, I often had great difficulty relating to my religion and my family.  Try as I might to present a positive attitude and partake in all the sacraments and rites of Judaism, my inner turmoil prevented me from embracing my faith.  And on one Pesach, at what I will forever remember as a low point in my life, I was wicked. 

My family was gathered at the Seder table, recounting the legend of the redemption and conducting the Seder according to customs passed down for generations.  And I, I had locked myself in my room, rejecting my heritage.  To this day I cannot imagine the shame my parents must have felt as extended family and close friends bore witness to my absence. 

But that was then and this is now. 

This year, as I led portions of the Seder at my father’s behest and fielded some of the questions posed by the same friends who were present all those years ago, I realized that I had made a change from wicked to wise.   I now eagerly embrace my heritage, my family, my sexuality, and my faith.   Realizing this, I smiled to myself and continued to partake in the Seder and the holiday with a sense of pride and accomplishment. 

But still, over the next few days something seemed out of place.

For many years after accepting my sexuality I limited the extent to which I came-out to ensure that my siblings’ Shidduchim would not be affected by my sexuality.  My parents did not ask me to do this, but I felt it was appropriate.  Thankfully, the siblings I worried about have all since married and have begun families of their own.  But still, outside of my personal circles of friends and my immediate family, I don’t discuss my sexuality that frequently.  I realized, as I sat around the table with non-immediate relatives and family friends I only see once or twice a year, that most of the people at the table did not know that I am gay. 

I haven’t yet brought a boyfriend home for the holidays and I haven’t done anything to suggest that I am anything other than straight.  Over Pesach I realized that many of the people sitting at the table were probably working off the standard presumption and assuming that I am straight. 

I'm not generally an uncertain person, but I’m not sure what to think about that.  Should what other people know, or don’t know, about me effect my self-confidence?  Does this mean that I haven’t come as far as I thought I have?  I’m certainly not closeted, I just don’t feel the need to share my personal life with someone simply because they are there.   And, for the purposes of full disclosure, there were some people I ran into over the holiday whom I don’t want to know about my sexuality because they lean to the right and I’d rather not rock the boat unnecessarily.  

I’d love to hear your thoughts. 

Watch. Learn.

Occasionally, when I find myself without enough time to write a post, I post a poignant point.
The emotionally depth expressed in this video is magnificent.

Edit:  March 23rd, 10AM.  IThis website that seeks to gain communal support for LGBT Jews is also worth reviewing.  

To Haters, with love.

I encounter homophobia in writings, speeches etc. on a fairly frequent basis and, when I do, wonder how I should react.  Obviously I disagree with the content of these statements, but what attitude should I take towards the authors behind them?  Should I fight fire with fire and approach these individuals with a searing hatred to match their bigotry?  Should I take the high road and ignore them, pitying their unfortunate closed mindedness?

I recently realized that, to answer this question, I must distinguish between the different types of homophobes: those who argue about the existence of  homosexuality in an honest but misguided attempt to find G-d’s truth (example) and those who loathe homosexuals because they lack any productive hobby (more on this later).  The former I can respect, I appreciate their search for truth.  For the latter, those misguided souls with nothing better to do than spread malice, I have no patience.  

Those individuals who honestly seek a higher truth travel on a road we all must take at some point in our lives.  In searching for a theological certainty, these rabbis—and their equivalent in other faiths—interpret the bible consistent with their religious training and leave little room for anything other than the explanation bestowed upon them.  Challenging what one believes to be sacred is an immensely difficult task, especially when the challenging force comes from something other than your own conscious or experiences.  I respect them men and women until the point where they descend into depths of hatred, vice a search for meaning.  Note the difference between attempting to understand a religious tenet and wielding religion as a tool of bigotry. 

The Westboro Baptist Church remains the most public example of the latter category.  Made famous for picketing the funerals of dead service-members with signs like these, the congregants of this church have long since shed any valid claim to represent G-d and now subject themselves only to the ridicule and scorn of even very devout theologians.  But I do not need to go so far from home to breach this unfortunate topic, such small minded intolerance is present even in the world of orthodox Judaism. 

For quite some time, a man deep in denial of homosexuality has subjected many members of JQY and gay Jewish bloggers such as myself to an endless, unsolicited barrage of e-mails meant to rebuke us for our sinful ways.  He uses pseudonyms to mask his identity and has gone so far as to create e-mail addresses under the names of some of our more vocal group members.  His unrelenting attempts to permeate our tight knit support group have left some shaken, but have strengthened others to decry his actions.  Him I loathe, for him I silently wish nothing but ill will.  No god would delegate a mission of hate and to claim as much disrespects His wisdom. 

Overlooked

With every movement there is an unspoken, unwritten history that tends to be forgotten.  The gay rights movement—and specifically the movement for recognition within the Orthodox Jewish community—is no different.  Over the past few years there has been an amazing amount of attention to gay and lesbian individual.  We have been the subject of panel discussions, video documentaries, op-eds and rabbinical statements.  And we have seen progress within the Modern Orthodox community.  People know, even if they cannot understand, that it is difficult to be gay and religious.  Some have even begun to press for recognition of gay relationships. The forgotten individuals in our stories are our parents.  

Obviously, I cannot tell you about the struggles that a parent faces when they discover or are informed of their child’s sexuality because I have not lived on that side of the story.  I imagine that some wish their child was heterosexual.  Others, if faced with a child who shirks religion in favor of comfort with her sexual identity, may pray that their child find a place in the fold of religious observance.  When I came out to my father he was accepting (I was shocked) but disappointed that I would never have the chance to raise a family as he did.  My mother wished (wishes? I’m not sure) that I would one day wake up and realize my heterosexuality.  They both love me for who I am, but I don’t think they expected or anticipated my homosexuality while raising me. 

It is not easy being gay, but it must be hard to know that your child is treated like a second class citizen and condemned by many in society. Little networking or support exists to unify and strengthen these parents in the challenges they face.  In the past I’ve mentioned Tmicha, an e-mail list-serve that attempts to do exactly this.  I’ve also linked to a blog the documents these struggles.  But is this enough?  While we protect and fight for our own recognition, we gays and lesbians must also ensure that our parents are shielded from the unfortunate small-mindedness that permeates our society.  We must applaud those parents who accept and support us and we must understand those who currently unable to reach this enlightened level of being.   

I am grateful for my parents and impressed by the positive energy I have seen emanate from some other parents I know.

Synagogue: A Prayer House or a Prayer Home?

Since coming out I find myself searching for a shul that I feel comfortable in.  My attitude towards davening (praying) is a result of my upbringing.  I expect a very solemn, serious service with minimal talking in the pews and an all-encompassing feel of spiritual aspiration b’Shma (for its own purpose).  I am therefore comfortable with the services in traditional black-hat and German style synagogues. 

I have different expectations for my community, expectations that I have not been able to fulfill in the traditional synagogues I just mentioned.  I take comfort in a community that is accepting of everyone, a community that sees each person for the inner spark that they can provide and welcomes them into the fold so that spark can be nurtured into a roaring flame.  In these communities I feel that I can be open and respected as a gay man and, more importantly, as a gay Jew.  I have found communities like this among the left-leaning “independent minyanim” I’ve encountered in Israel, New York City, Washington D.C. and others. 

My problem is as follows: in the traditional communities I don’t feel welcome as an individual.   It is as if, upon entering the synagogue, I find myself facing a security guard who demands that I leave my personality at the door.   Then and only then may I participate in the prayers.  In the more liberal communities I feel welcomed, embraced, appreciated for the entirety of what I have to offer.  However, I find it difficult to connect through their services which tend to be a bit more relaxed than I am comfortable/familiar with.  I’ve found some shuls that attempt to create a middle ground, proclaiming a modern approach to Judaic community with basically the same traditional services.  Unfortunately, more often than not this third type of community leaves me wanting for both community and service. 

I once happened a shul in Yerushalayim that actually did a good job at creating a middle ground.  This is the Yedidya community in the Talpiot/Baka neighborhood.  But this community is half a world away.  What am I to do? Should I pray where I feel I could potentially develop a better spiritual connection, even though this nexus is diminished by the limits of the community? Or, in the alternative, should I pray where I feel welcomed, but unable to comfortably engage in a prayer services?  A shul needs to be more than a prayer house, more than a building of concrete and  wood containing mortals aspiring to be more for a few hours a day.  A shul needs to be a home where I feel comfortable approaching G-d as a father, but it cannot lose the quality of inspiring the fear of G-d as a king. 

I suppose I’m just guy trying to find my way home.