Sunday, September 8, 2013

Last Year's Mazal

Suzanne Curchod, the 18th Century Parisian salonist, is attributed with having said that "fortune does not change men, it unmasks them."

Had you asked me a year ago where I would be today or what changes I would undergo in the past year, never in a million years would I have predicted this future.  The past twelve months have been a roller coaster.  Each unexpected turn was followed with an equally unanticipated drop.  I learned to follow the flow of  life, to stop attempting to control my roll with the punches.

On numerous occasions over the past few months, I began writing a new post, only to discard the draft as inadequate.  I found myself unable to relay my emotional state and my experience--often because I was not sure exactly what those were.

There were a few months during which I lost touch with G-d.  I was facing a number of personal hardships--a broken heart and dashed dreams--and felt that my life was out of control.  It all began when I met the man of my dreams.  On paper, he was everything I could ever want and, in short time, I realized that he was both the man of my dreams and completely toxic for me.  Immediately thereafter I tried to explain my religious, personal, and political hopes and desires as a gay Orthodox Jew [to my parents].  Though willing to tolerate me and hopeful that I would witness those dreams coming to fruition, they could not bring themselves to try and see the world through my eyes or care about the things I prioritize.  To top it all off, I got rejected from my dream job.  The combination of these three events in such a short period of time knocked me off my path...I was devastated and felt abandoned by G-d.  Try as I might, I could not connect to G-d in the way I used to.  Every "trick" I previously used to find spiritual comfort ended in failure.  Prayer, meditation, etc...they all left me feeling stopped up-like I was suffering from a religious form of writers' block.

Finally, after months of desperation, I realized that I had begun traveling on a different path; I began approaching G-d from a new vantage-point and that I needed to find new ways to express this new relationship.  I also realized that I would need to relax into this relationship and let time guide me and my spiritual expression.

I'm glad to be done with last year's fortune.  Last year was incredibly difficult and I'm still picking up the pieces.  I'm grateful that I had the chance to experience such a challenging period--I'm certainly stronger for it--But I hope this coming year is calmer and easier. 

Minor edit in brackets, October 3rd, 2013.

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