Some much needed Mussar

I had earnestly hoped that that when I had the time to post it would be a Dvar Torah filled with inspiration and warmth.  Thanks to a bit of commotion in the Jewish world (and a bout of insomnia) I’m again writing before I intended on not exactly on the topic of my choice. 

A few weeks ago R’ Steven Greenberg, author of Wrestling with G-d and Man, director of Trembling Before G-d and self-proclaimed gay Orthodox rabbi officiated at a gay orthodox wedding.  In the aftermath of this occasion a group of 100 orthodox rabbis from across America organized the signing of a latter condemning the ceremony. Source .   R’ Greenberg, in response, claimed that the ceremony was not a wedding and was not intended to be one because it lacked Kiddushin.  Source .  Yet actions speak louder than words and the circumstances fo the ceremony place it within the context of a wedding.  The ceremony contained a chuppah, both men exchanged rings, smashed glasses and wore kittles . . . looks a lot like a wedding to me. Source .

I’m not against gay marriage—I plan on getting married myself.  I’m against people trying to find loopholes in halacha and wordsmithing their way out of a difficult situation.  I also believe that other strains of Judaism (Conservative, Reform, Reconstructionist) are free to do what they want with gay weddings.   Source.   I, however, do not subscribe to that interpretation of Judaism and don’t think anyone would try and label it as “orthodox.”

The next even of significance was the presentation of letter—shall we say a contra-Statement of Principles—that held nothing back as it blasted Jewish gays in demanding that they undergo reparative therapy and seek Teshuva for their misdeeds.  Source (you can ignore the op-ed and read the actual letter at the bottom).  This made my blood boil  for a number of reasons:

1)       Its suggestions are ignorant and scientifically rejected

2)       It seems to have been in the works for well over a year but cowardly kept separate until enough signatures were gathered (note the date on R’ Kamenetsky’s signed copy as well as the request that the contens be kept secret until enough signatories were amassed). 

3)       One of the primary supporters—R’  Shmuel Kamenetsky—is a man I was raised to revere and this causes me to question his status as a Gadol HaDor.
(UPDATE, 1/5/12 the complete list of signatories can be found here)

After all this I stumbled upon yet another article, this one from a rabbi at Brown University I had previously not heard of.  source .  While I don’t agree with all of what he writes, his main point is striking and I place 100% of my support behind it: Orthodoxy is shattered.   As the bearers of Hashems eternal truth in this world we—via our rabbinical leadership--  are failing in our mission as we hide behind letters, allowing ourselves to flee from confrontation as we fail to establish a uniform response to the issues that plague our society—or in many cases, any response at all.   I weep for the days of the Sandhedrin or the Shoftim.   Even if those scholars of old would chastise me, or worse, for my sexuality, I long for the days when G-d’s will permeated every aspect of Jewish life as it found embodiment on the lips of men and women wiser and more spiritually connected that I can ever hope to be.  Orthodoxy has failed.  We have succumbed to the divisive effects of Galut and are a flock of lost sheep.  

I believe you can be orthodox and gay.  I believe you can be orthodox, gay and a rabbi.  I believe you can be orthodox, gay, a rabbi and celebrate the companionship of a same-sex couple.  I don’t believe that the tradition of orthodoxy was meant to be bastardized by and vast number of rabbis who would seek to use the Torah to promote their own points of view that they dare not challenge. 

A man whose wisdom and guidance I cherish and view as a return to the tradition that is all-but-lost recently told me that, to him, the sexuality of the man davening next to him is irrelevant.  I hope we can all relate to the message in his poignant and simple truth.

Psychology Today

In my last post I mentioned that I wouldn't be writing for the rest of November, and that was the plan.  Plans change.  Furthermore, I rarely promote things on this blog and when I do it is with good reason.

I recently received an e-mail from a very nice woman researching the psychological interactions of coming-out, family and religion (that is my description, I'm including her terminology below).  She asked me to participate in her study and/or to pass on her information to other possible candidates.  I agreed to participate and delayed deciding about promoting the study until after I experienced it first hand.  Having now taken part in the study, I wholeheartedly endorse participation.  

To quote Principal Investigator (the woman conducting the research), Ms. Chana Etengoff, she:

"is currently recruiting participants for a study focusing on gay individuals’ (ages 18-35) and their key religious family members’ thoughts regarding religion and sexual identity. Participants will be asked to answer questions that address this experience at both the family systems and individual level.

This semi-structured interview is comprised of 17 questions and it is estimated that the interview will be completed in a half of an hour to 45 minutes. In addition, three vignettes (stories) will be presented for response regarding socio-religious obstacles regarding being religious and having a gay family member. The estimated time of completion for this portion of the study is 30 minutes to one hour."

Two notes:  1) From my understanding, the research is primarily focusing on men.    2) Its not required for participation, but it is a plus if you have a family member who would also be willing to participate. 


If you are interested in participating, e-mail Ms. Etengoff at CEtengoff@gc.cuny.edu .  
Feel free to e-mail me about my experience in the study if you have any questions or hesitations about participating.

The Key

It’s been a while since I’ve written.  I don’t have time for a lengthy post. However, November marks the 1 year anniversary of this project and I feel that I must leave you with some thoughts.

As a teenager coming out and braving an unknown world I thought I was in love.   His name is Scott, he isn’t Jewish and until today he remains one of the most influential people I have ever interacted with.   I haven’t spoken to him in over half a decade.   We only met in person once after communicating online for a while (this occurred during the pre-Gchat days of myspace and AOL instant messaging).  What made our evening, which was not a date, so powerful was how calm and reassured he made me feel. 

I was a scared, hormonal teenager with an uncertain future.  I alienated my Jewish friends, was on bad terms with my parents and did not have anyone to counsel me or offer me guidance or advice.  He did all that.  We met in a coffee shop, chatted for a while and then went to a concert.  We spoke about my depression, religion and art.  Scott told me that with a positive attitude I could do anything.   I believed him and to this day his words of wisdom guide me through the most challenging of days.  At the end of the evening he gave me a ride home and I have not seen him since. 

This brings me to the following point: how can you support a friend, or a practical stranger, who is struggling with their sexuality?  By being yourself.  By recognizing their challenge and meeting it with a calm, unfaltering sense of warmth that does not place them into the category of “other.”  With a positive attitude you can do anything.   If you allow that positivity to permeate the conversation you have with your friend you will reassure them as I was reassured.

Happy Anniversary.




*minor grammatical edit at 16:30 on 17-11-11.

Rest in Peace

During the autumn of 2010 the world witnessed a stream of isolated but tragic events: the suicides of gay youth around North America.  These teenagers, truly children, took their own lives because they could no longer deal with the difficulties that came as a consequence of their sexuality, their homosexuality.  

Initiatives and movements sprung up to offer support to gay youth and decry the events.  The “It Gets Better” YouTube video series remains the most famous among them.  For a short while we, the gay community and its allies, dared to believe that our collective support conveyed the message that life would indeed get better for gay teens facing taunts or ridicule from their peers or inner struggles. 

We were wrong. 

On September 18^th, 2011, Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old from Buffalo, NY took his own life.

On October 14^th, 2011, Jamie Hubley, a 15 year old from Ottawa, Canada followed suit, also taking his own life. 

Both of these young men were active bloggers who just wanted to be accepted for who they were.  The death of both these boys is the direct result of the intolerance, the bigotry, that permeates our supposedly liberal society. 

I’m sad and angry.  These deaths should not have occurred. 

The reason these tragedies strike so close to home is because not all that long ago,* a long time before YouTube and the “It Gets Better” movement, I too contemplated “escaping” the life that seemed to present me with nothing but hardship.  Obviously, I chose a different path, but that doesn’t stop the memories from haunting me to this very day.  I spent some time today reflecting on what stopped me from committing suicide.  At first, I couldn’t find an answer.  Upon further contemplation I realized that I was lucky.  In my teenage years I happened upon a few token individuals who either listened to my cries or simply lived and led by example. Though no one  could guarantee that everything would be okay or removed the pain I felt, they let me know that the choice was mine and that in time I could build the life I wanted and deserved.  I wish these boys could have had the same luck. 

Please, preach acceptance and love.  Reach out to your friends, or your friends kids, or a random stranger you encounter who seems to be struggling because of their sexuality and let them know that you will do your best to help them with whatever you are able.  Let them know they are loved.  Let’s rally together to ensure that the deaths stop here and now. 

It is customary in the Jewish tradition to perform certain Mitzvot, good deeds, in honor of the deceased so that their souls are elevated to higher levels of Heaven.  One such custom is to donate charity.  Please join me in donating a few bills to a local charity in memory of these two young men. 

*By “not all that long ago” I mean nearly a decade ago. 

Not far from the apple tree . . .

On Rosh HaShana we read the story of Akeidat Yizhak – the Binding of Isaac.  This title begs the following question: If this was a test for this father, Abraham, why is called “the Binding of Isaac”? The storybook version of this biblical episode would have us believe that when the two men reached the top of the mountain where Abraham intended to fulfill G-d’s command and sacrifice Isaac, Abraham simply bound his son and prepared to complete this seemingly impossible task.  This over simplified version of the tale omits one crucial aspect.  Our rabbis teach us that, as he lay down to meet his maker, Isaac begged his father to be tied down.  Isaac did not intend running from his fate, he was 100% committed to the endeavor, but he feared that his body would unintentionally flinch during the ceremony and if any part of his body was blemished the sacrifice would be rendered impure.  Thus, as much as this was a test for the father, it was Isaac’s binding – his choice to remain devout to his faith – that was also being tested.  We each face our own challenges in life, and I firmly believe that the bond between parents and children is especially strong when it comes to tests of faith.  

When I first began coming to terms with my sexuality, one of my primary concerns was the result my coming-out would have on my parents’ stature in our community.  I feared that my parents would face criticism and would be judged harshly and I wanted no harm to befall them.  They say that an apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and that’s true.  I know that my strict adherence to my faith is because of the lessons I learned in my parents’ home.  I learned to love G-d, the Torah and the Jewish community as a whole, even when I do not understand or disagree with some aspect contained within any of those three.  Eventually I came to realize that, so long as I adhere to the principles set out for me by my parents, I will not disappoint them and they will not be ashamed, regardless of what anyone else may think or say.  

Over the past few weeks I’ve been grappling with the issue I presented in my last post.  Frum gay Jews comprising on aspects of their faith or observance because of their search for a significant other.  Now, for the purposes of full disclosure, there was a time when I myself believed that I could date someone less observant (or even non-Jewish) and that I would still be able to build a nice, Jewish home.  I abandoned that thought process when I returned to the moral compass set out for me by parents.  I set myself straight – pun intended – when I realized that conceding aspects of my identity and my observance was no way to build a future. 

 The dual test of Isaac and Abraham serves as a model for the  relationship between parents and gay frum children.  The struggle of being gay and frum is not an individual struggle.  The test this presents affects both the gay individual as well as his or her parents.  While our parents must accept us for who we are and trust us to make wise decisions, we should reciprocate by guiding our lives in a manner consistent with the morals they set out for us. 

Gmar Chatimah Tovah.  I wish you all a happy and health New Year and hope you will be inscribed only in the book of blessing and good fortune. 

P.S. Parents: If you are  interested in joining Tmicha, the online support community for parents of orthodox gay children, e-mail admin@jqyouth.org 

Kidas Moshe ViYisroel

I have written on this topic in the past, but it bears reconsideration. 

Between 1996 and 2001, 47% of Jewish marriages were intermarriages.  These numbers are especially true amongst individuals with weaker ties to Judaism. Source 1.

 As my readers know, I see the observance of Judaism as a practice dictating every aspect of life.  This is especially true when it comes to marriage.   In the first years after I came out, I dated men who were not Jewish.  I ceased doing so when, one cold December 25th, a man I briefly dated greeted me with a “Merry Christmas.”   I realized then that, no matter how emotionally tied I might become to a non-Jew, bringing a non-Jewish husband home with me would be impractical.  Consider, by example, the fact that, under a strict interpretation of Halacha, I would be unable to share most wines with him.  Would I ask him to observe Shabbat for me? Kosher? Would I ask my friends and family to trust me that I kept my home to a strict standard or kashrut if he ate non-kosher out of the house or did not keep Shabbat? Why should I be the party in the relationship that asked the other to make such life altering concessions? Since then, I have extended this same logic to dating only Jews who are, at a minimum, orthodox-leaning.  I dated men who are less observant that I am, some for extended periods of time.  Each of these dalliances ended because, while I’m willing to compromise on many issues, I don’t feel right considering my religious observance something to be negotiated.  Should I be more progressive in my dating?  I don’t think so.  This question has been contentious between me and some of my closest friends who, over the past few months, have increasingly pressured me to lower my standards and date people who are non-Frum. 

It bothers me that some of my friends see homosexuality as an excuse to date outside of the faith or outside communities of observance.  It would be a rare circumstance indeed that the same advice or pressure would be bestowed upon a Frum straight man or woman.  Why should sexuality change that? For the larger half of a decade I have vigorously defended the truth that being gay changes little in the daily practicalities of observance.   Wouldn’t it be hypocritical of me to suddenly concede this point? 

I want to know what all of you think about this.  Whether you agree or disagree with me, why do you do so? If you are the family or friend of a gay Jew, how would you feel if she or she brought someone who isn’t religious home? What if that individual wasn’t Jewish? 

Source 1: http://www.jewishfederations.org/page.aspx?id=46253

A Guest Post: Human Nature

A friend of mine recently relayed a story to me, one that he had not previously told anyone else. I asked him to share it on this blog. He agreed and, after some editing on my part, which still does not mean its perfect, we are graced with the post  below. Enjoy!

Thanks, Benjy, for letting me write this.  I hope you all appreciate what I have to say.

Traveling from his apartment in Jerusalem to Ben-Gurion airport, I marveled at the signs of a city coming to life as my Sheirut passed through numerois neighborhoods, picking up passengers as it went. The airport-taxi slowly filled up. As we, the embarked, entered the neighborhood of Har Nof one seat, next to an aging, modern looking, man, remained open. The Sheirut pulled up to a curb and a woman, an obviously religious woman, boarded.  If you've ever been on a Sheirut you know that, between the baggage and their size, personal space is somewhat . . . limited. I could sense the discomfort of the woman at being seated so close to a man.   After considering the situation for a minute, I summoned up my courage and, in the most authorotative manner I could muster, I rearranged some of the seating in the Sheirut so that no one's sense of propriety would be harmed.

Until telling this story to Benjy I had never mentioned it to anyone. But that's because of what happened next. The man sitting nexxt to me, also frum and not the same man as earlier, leaned over and told me that he thought I was a Zaddik-- a rightous individual.  At that moment my only thought, as I nodded my head and looked down at my knees, was "would he still think that if he knew that I'm gay?"

Obviously, we all do kind deeds and we also all do or say things that we shouldn't.  Yet, I often find myself troubled by the fact that people will change their minds about another individual based solely on aspect of the person's personality.  The single fact that I'm gay can turn the nicest most admirable person into a raging zealot.  Call it bigotry, call it small mindedness, but it is the world we live in.

Neither my actions in the Sheirut, not my sexuality, define the entirety of my being.  It is my sincere hope for the future that people will learn to judge one another by their whole person, not only the fragments visible on the surface.